Rantings of My Mind...

Thoughts on the Occupy LA movement

2011-11-15T21:05:00.000-08:00

I work in downtown. I work a block and a half away from city hall, which means the Occupy LA movement is literally down the street. Being the closest (or what I assume is the closest) free Wi-Fi to this Occupy, we get a LOT of people coming into our store (Starbucks) on a daily basis.

At first, it was kinda fun to see all these new faces. Then, those faces became familiar... and, to be honest, annoying. But, that's jumping ahead... Let me back up a bit.

See, I want to agree with everything the OLA stands for. I want what they want. I want a discussion to be put on the table, and I want people to start trying to figure out a new way for things to happen in our society. About a year ago, I lost my job... It took me over 3 months to find a new one, and in that time I was desperately scrounging for money. I was getting married in 6 months, and freaking out that my wedding, marriage, and eventual future was going down the drain. Luckily, God blessed me with a loving fiancee (now wife!) and supportive friends & family. So, when I got the call to become a Starbucks barista (making MUCH less than I was before) I jumped at the chance to get working again. It's been about 10 months since I started working for the mermaid, and truth be told I wake up each morning thanking God for the blessing this job has been. (Sometimes I thank God in a very VERY tired voice, but it's still a blessing)

So, here's what my daily schedule looks like... I get up at 3am EVERY day, so I can shower and get ready to go to work at 4am. In an effort to let my wife sleep, I grab the clothes I laid out the night before to get dressed in the dark (which I'm real good at!). I say bye to my wife (who I silently hope I don't wake up, so she can sleep a few more hours until she has to get up for work herself), and slip out the door. There's nobody on the road at 3:30am, which means about 1/4 of the time CalTrans has decided to close the freeway into work to do construction. I get myself into work at 4am and usually stay for a 5-7 hour shift. This usually means I take my lunch around 6:30am (lunch! HA!), but I'm off around 10ish... I head home, but usually stop along the way to run errands for our family (shopping, bank, car repairs... whatnot). I try to get a small nap in, but that's usually hard to do between schoolwork, applying for more jobs, and various other chores. Around 5pm, I start making dinner, and about 5:30-6pm Alyssa comes home and we eat dinner together. I can sometimes stay up a few more hours to watch some TV with her (or just catch up on our days), and then I have to pass back out to re-set for the next day.

So, when I hear about a movement that wants to equalize wages or create more jobs or take down banks that are sucking up all the money... I want to agree so bad. But, in reality, I was beginning to get bitter with this movement.

Throughout history, people have used movements like this to be an excuse for rebellion. Most of the time, these people are ignorant to the root causes and ignorant to the true intention of why they should be there. I am not speaking of those people who are really trying to help, really trying to make change, and really trying to talk to the government, corporations, and power players. I am talking about the drugged out slackers that don't want to be a productive part of ANY society. And I might sound harsh here, but it's the truth... that's what they are.

For the past 2 weeks, these dregs have been coming into our store and stealing everything from coffee to mugs, from condiments to umbrellas. And it makes me mad. I want to blame the Occupy movement because they are the reason they are here, but that's not fair. And every day, it gets harder to be civil with these people. The other day, one person (while waiting in line) was talking to his friend about how corporations like Starbucks sucks the soul out of its employees. He said, "...just look at their eyes, you can see that everyone that works here is dead inside." Umm, hey buddy... Starbucks provided me a job when nobody else would. Starbucks is now one of the leading corporations seeking to CREATE jobs in the USA. And... if I look dead inside, it's probably because I've been up since 3am working REAL hard to get a paycheck that puts food on the table and a roof over my head. But I digress...

These people are negative, they are mean, and they are not helping society at all. But is this what Occupy LA stands for? Is that the kind of experience they want to leave people with? No.

Today, for the first time since the beginning of the movement, I had a genuine positive experience with an Occupy LA person. He came up to me and asked if I was the manager. I said no, but I would be willing to pass on a message. He then explained to me how he was part of the Occupy LA movement, and he felt horrible for the things people have been stealing from us. He wanted to apologize for the image others have left, and told us that if someone stole from us, he would be willing to testify against them to make sure they could keep the occupy movement honest. And in that one gesture, I was back on their side.

Alyssa has been telling me for a few days now that negativity will only cause us to become bitter and resentful. Either we have to forgive and walk away, or confront the situation and push through. I have told her the last few weeks that it has been difficult, because it feels like I don't know how to do that. Today, I was offered a way to forgive. And today, I can do just that.

life...

2011-09-07T23:18:00.000-07:00

Life is such a delicate thing, with a blink of the eye it disappears, it changes, it begins, it...

Since my last post (in April), a lot has happened... My good friend & mentor passed away; relationships have been severed; and just tonight, I found out my uncle has an aneurysm that needs to be treated right away. A lot of good has happened as well. I got married!; My cousin got married!!! (in Maui!!!); My good friends got married!!! and so much more...

And yet, I continue to think that this roller coaster that we call life is so fragile. On one hand, we find ourselves celebrating, having a great time, and the next day we find ourselves saddened by news that literally blindsides us.

I find myself asking the age old question that so many before me have asked... "what's it all mean?" Is it for us to glorify God? Is it for happiness? To be stable and raise a happy family?

And yet, what keeps me up at night are a laundry list of other questions, "Am I doing the right thing for my family?", "Could I be a better husband/man?", "Is there a reason I find myself working at Starbucks, and not something... more?", and... "Why is it all so ... mediocre?"

Is God in my life? Yes! Do I find joy in what I do? Yes! Am I happy with my work, my family, my wife? YES!

And those are the answers that I ultimately have to hold on to... I don't have ALL the answers... and life... will always be the fragile roller coaster, it will have its ups... its downs... and its crashes... But I honestly believe that God is still the one who holds it together... God gives us peace and joy and contentment... and God (as silly as this Sunday school statement sounds) is the answer.

There's a lot more to say here... about how death still scares me, about how I worry about the small decisions affecting my future family, about how I am still insecure, and about how sometimes (SOMETIMES) I don't feel adequate...

BUT... I have to remember that in my weakness, Christ is strong. In the desert places, I will find strength. AND, when I am most confused... I will seek the Lord.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. ¹⁰ That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
- 2 Corinthians 9-10

Reflections on life...

2011-04-05T19:48:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile since I have updated my blog, and with good reason. Life, as I had known it, has drastically changed. And for the most part, I have yet to make sense of the paths that have been presented to me. I have been faced with some difficult times, some amazing times, and now, I try to add up the sum of my experiences and find myself pondering what the next step is.

For those of you who know me, I think you will all agree that I attempt to look at the positives of my life. And for the most part, that has served me well. And when I look at those things, I have a great deal to talk about. My engagement last year was (and will probably continue to be) one of the greatest memories of my life. My deepening relationship with my fiancee has continued to encourage me and make me smile. Friends, family, and loved ones have come along side with me, and I have known that people love me, not for what I do... but simply for who I am.

But, at the beginning of November last year, a sudden turn in my job had me questioning simple things: like where my place in the world, what was my life direction, and my worth as a person. I will not go into it too deeply, but suffice to say that I felt wronged and my position at CSM was terminated. I immediately began the painful process of looking for new employment.

For the last three years, I had bled, sweated, and lived CSM. My friends knew that I would not be available most nights because I would be busy with a group or training hosts. My fiancee would often find herself telling me that my interns would see more of me than she did. And without notice or warning, that was taken away from me.

What do you do when (seemingly) your self worth is taken that quickly?

Well, for me it began the process of applying for jobs with everyone (and anyone). I went in for multiple interviews only to be told that I was overqualified, under-qualified, too much experience, too little experience...

Eventually at the beginning of this year, I was offered a job. At Starbucks. Not my first choice, but there it was. I took the job. Working as a Barista at a store in Little Tokyo.

If it sounds like I was disappointed, I guess I was. I was hoping to get this amazing job supervising a group of people, fighting to end homelessness. I was hoping that my new job would pay me all this money, so I didn't have to worry about bills anymore. I was hoping to talk to people who were homeless and build community and relationship with them. And here I was, learning to make coffee.

But then, something happened, and I realized some things. And I began to learn about authenticity. I talk to people every day now. Some of those people know me by name, and smile at me when they see me at the bar (or at the register... or even wandering around the store). I know most of their names, and their drinks. I laugh with them about the news, joke with them about coffee, but most of all I find myself learning about their lives. I know that Keith went to the Dodger game last Saturday, and (even though it was out of his way) he still came into our store to get his Americano. I know that Rick just sold his sleeping bag for a heavy blanket, because it fits in his new $20 Walmart backpack better. I know that Linda has to commute to work from Carson every day, but on most days stops by our store for lunch, and a different Starbucks on her way home.

And I realized that I AM impacting my community. I have a real relationship with my customers. And I am happy. I'm learning what it means to love on people... one cup of coffee at a time.

There are things in our lives that we all want... and there are things that we need. And I am learning more and more each day that maybe this job, where I am today is what I needed. I am learning to spend more time reading, learning to cook new dishes, learning to enjoy myself.

My job... it's exhausting, it's exhilarating, it's rewarding but, it's still only my job. My life... is so much more. And I am learning what that means.

NY Stabbing...

2010-04-27T22:55:00.000-07:00

If you haven't read about it, you might read this first...

A man in NY died this morning after he was stabbed while he was trying to help a woman from some kind of physical attack, and while he lay bleeding in the streets, at least 7 people walked by and didn't do anything to help.

Many people have commented on this story saying, "How cruel" or "What is this world coming to?" And I would have to agree, but then I need to pose the question, how often do we ourselves do the very same thing?

How often do we allow ignorance or our own goals blind us from the world around us? How often do we ignore those who are bleeding, who are hurt, or who need help?

I drive by skid row most every day. I'm not saying that I'm better than most who grew up in the suburbs. I still feel that twinge of fear & guilt as I talk to people who are homeless. But there is a reality on the streets many of us choose to ignore.

I say "us", because even working in an urban context, sometime I become tired and don't want to deal with all the drama. Which is why I use this story as a call out to Christians everywhere. As a believer, I beg of you to open your eyes to what is around you and change what you can. Today!

I'm not saying that you need to quit your job and live on the streets. I'm not even saying that you need to rearrange your life. But begin to ask yourself, who in your life hurts, bleeds, needs? Maybe it is that homeless man on the street corner near your work. Maybe it's a co-worker who needs a hand. Maybe it's the kid at school who eats by him/herself.

But there are people around us bleeding to death, and we walk right by them. We tell ourselves that someone else will stop, someone else will make sure they are ok, someone else...

How about us? How about Christians? How about God fearing, Jesus loving, Holy Spirit filled Christians? Let's get out of the news for hate crimes... let's stop being known for being hypocrites. And start showing the world that we love them.

Ugh, I'm so sick for all the hate... I know this sounds like hippie propaganda, but it's true. Arizona passing laws about illegal immigrants... People protesting in the streets because of health care for the poor... I'm just putting it out there folks...

36"Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?" 37Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' 38This is the first and greatest commandment. 39And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'40All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."

- Matthew 22:36-40

Love your neighbor as yourself.

How many of us would RUN if we saw our parents, our brothers, our sisters in pain on the streets bleeding... our friends? even our enemies?

It's simply put... that ALL the law and the prophets hang on two commandments. The first is to love God with everything we have... Then to love each other.

Who is bleeding on the streets? Who do we need to love?

random thoughts of the day...

2009-10-27T08:56:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it's hard to imagine. Sometimes it's a difficult thing to grasp. And, when I look into the eyes of those around me, it's hard to forget. There are those around us that desperately need a hand, desperately need a hug, and desperately need love.

As I come back from the CCDA conference, I am once again convinced that the lost and forgotten in society are in need for our love. There are injustices and inequalities that scream for attention. Families are being torn apart by outdated immigration laws; the poor are being pushed out of their homes, so that CEOs of companies can have a second private jet; racism continues to ravage communities; and the people in the gap are doing their best to hold up a crumbling society.

But, what breaks my heart is watching it happen and feeling like nobody else cares. At CSM, I watch groups come in from the suburbs, with their guitars, handbooks, and team t-shirts. They are ready to change the world. They are coming for a week trip, that they have been looking forward to for months. And, GREAT! But is it? After they leave, aren't the children going to be hungry tomorrow? What is the impact to the community as a large?

Can community change happen in a short-term system? Can it even begin to change the hearts of the lost and point the wanderer towards the almighty Lord? Are people going home with changed attitudes towards the outcast of society? the lonely? the excess spending? the lavish lifestyles?

For the most part, I would say, "No." There was one group leader that openly told his kids that God did not bless the poor as much as the rich because He gave the rich more. And that simple statement continues to break my heart.

So, then, what is the point of something like CSM? Is what I do important to the heart of God? Is a short-term mission trip only designed for helping the group feel better about their lives? To pat themselves on the back and go back to lavish lifestyles?

And the simple answer to that question is: there is no simple answer. Can we really say that nobody is affected? There must be some that are changed. Most come on the trip, and in a few weeks time forget the lessons learned, some remember and act out to help those around them, and a select few are changed forever. God takes their hearts and breaks them. And in my case, forever am I set on a course that will never allow me to see the world any other way. Broken, and in need of love.

And if that's what we do, then we do it for the glory of the Lord. I have it written on my wall in my office, "讨神喜悦的事奉" (which roughly means, "I serve at the pleasure of my Lord") It reminds me that even though some group leaders make a blunder of the mission of my Father, I will continue to serve as long as it pleases my God.

It still breaks my heart. It still makes me want to call out to God for his mercy. But, it's something.

and... with enough little somethings put together, we can re-build the kingdom. We can restore the streets with dwellings.

and the wheel turns

2009-05-20T09:12:00.000-07:00

we laugh and smile

and the wheel turns

we cry and scream

and the wheel turns

we make friends, find companions

and the wheel continues to turn

and

something

happens

something

bad

and we cry for time

we ask it to stop

to take notice of our friend

her life, so short, so soon

can we just stop for a moment?

stop the wheel? pause?

but the wheel turns

time slips by so carelessly

our hearts grieve

the wheel turns

and as it turns

time pushes on

ever moving

time

goes

and, so must we

Spending time with some Monks

2009-05-18T11:52:00.000-07:00

So, last Tuesday, I grabbed a duffle bag full of clothes, my bible, my journal, and a book about prayer and headed into the mountains.

I had been planning on spending some time up in the high desert for about a month. I drove about an hour and a half out of the city to St Andrew's Abby. I arrived shortly before 11am, worried about what I would do once I arrived.

I walked into the guest office, and told the monk behind the desk that I was here for my personal retreat. He was exactly what I was expecting, and it threw me off for a second. Wearing the monk robe was one thing, but he had a long white beard and thick glasses. It was like right out of a olde book.

I went to my room and found it adorable. It had a large desk, two twin beds, and a sliding glass door on one side that opened to a view of the mountains. I started to unpack and turned off my cell phones.

The first day I was there, I didn't try to do anything special other than walk around and explore the grounds. I found a lake on site with lots of places to sit around it. It was a warm day, so I spent a good amount of time in my room writing reflections and prayers in my journal at my desk. When my hand hurt too much from writing, I would read some of "Too Busy Not to Pray" or my bible. The quiet atmosphere allowed much of my soul to quiet down and relax a bit. I also found that I needed to take a lot of naps. For every hour of writing, exploring, or reading, I took about a 30 minute nap. This might sound funny, but I think it was partially my body needing the rest and partially because praying that much takes a lot of energy.

The second day, I spent much of my time doing the same thing, but I also started going to their prayer services (they had 5 throughout the day), and never been exposed to the Catholic faith, I had never attended a service quite like that. I was unused to the litergical way of approaching God, but I was facinated by some of the honor the monks had for God's presence. I know many people say that it can become just "things we do" and we stop believing in the actions, but I was challenged to look at my own actions and ask myself why I didn't take God more seriously in how I approached Him. And I began to try see my prayer times as much more a thing I needed to do intentionally instead of haphazardly.

At one point, I remember telling God that I really needed to talk to Him about some of issues in my life regarding relationships (or lack of). I found myself pouring out much of what I had been feeling to Him and asking Him to just give me a clear answer as to what my future held in terms of a relationship. It is difficult to form into words, but I know that God heard me as I talked to Him. But, the greatest thing wasn't the topic, but realizing that I had the space to complain to God. God was giving me space to yell, scream, and throw up my hands in frustration. In the end, as I calmed down, I realized that through it all, God was with me. He had been holding onto me the whole time, and was whispering "It's ok"

Did I get a clear answer? To be honest, no. But, I came out of there knowing a few things about how I approached my life. First, I need to lean on God's plan more often (both in what is going to happen, but also in when is it supposed to happen). Second, that as I get frustrated, God will give me space to tell Him how I feel. Much like any good relationship, there are times when you need to hash out some issues, and God will give the space. And lastly, God will give peace to those who come to Him. I don't think I have stopped feeling the pain of rejection, but I also know that it is temporary and God will continue to be there through and through. Peace isn't the lack of pain or conflict in our hearts, but it is the understanding that God stands faithful through it, and we can hold onto Him.

It took me a full 2 days to come to that conclusion, and probably will take the rest of my life to understand it fully.

As I drove down from the mountain, I could not have felt more refreshed and renewed. I had gone to the mountain fearing what it would mean to spend 48 hours in the presence of the Lord, and I came down realizing that I was looking at it wrong. We are always with God, everywhere and anywhere. We just took a vacation together to spend some time getting to know one another. I learned what it meant to talk to God, honestly and reverently. And more importantly, I learned how to sit and listen to Him talking to me.

sleepless thoughts...

2009-05-02T02:11:00.000-07:00

It's 2am again, and sleep has, once again, eluded this body.

I should rest. I'm riding with Jeremy in the morning.

I need my sleep.

It's already 2:19, I need to get up at 8:15. Already, I am down to 6 hours.

I can't stop thinking, I want to just let it all go.

Dreams seem just out of reach.

Is it hot in here? I have the fan going.

I managed to close my eyes for about 30 minutes. From 1:15-1:45. Gave that up.

I'm yawning, and I feel weary. Why is my mind racing?

Think of something plain, take your mind off of the complexities of life.

Sheep? Maybe I should count sheep.

Geez that's boring.

I should close my eyes again. Try again.

Sleep...

Please....

I'm begging... at this rate I only have 6 hours left.

Mind is still going.

I should just listen to the fan. White noise is supposed to help, right?

I think it's the heat. Maybe?

Should I get up to walk around? No, stay in bed.

I read for a couple hours, normally that makes me sleepy.

I should try again...

Tick tock, tick tock....

Time keeps slipping away.

Stop thinking, just rest.

Stop worrying about the future.

Stop fighting.

Just sleep.

Allow yourself to rest.

Allow... sleep to happen.

Ok, it's 2:27 now... Let's try again.

Pray for sleep, pray for rest.

sleep

rest

peace

An Unlikely Connection

2009-03-31T00:30:00.000-07:00

This week, I've been hosting 1/4 of a group from Spokane, WA. I get to host them for 2 1/2 days, and so far... I've been having a blast!

I really have come to love the kids I am with. They are funny, caring, outgoing kids. But one in particular cracks me up to no end. His name is Scotty.

Let me tell you a little about him. He's a white kid from Washington state. He's one of the shortest guys in his group, and is slightly soft spoken at first. During our prayer tour, he mostly looked distracted, so honestly, I didn't know what to make of him.

Today, I was given the opportunity to go to Salvation Army Compton, which was not only my groups first time, but ... mine too.

As we arrive, I am quickly informed that instead of working with kids, we will be doing something else. Apparently, today is Ceasar Chavez day, and the kids had no school. I was initially disappointed, because I felt really unsure what my group of 12 was going to do. They might need 4 in the kitchen to help cook dinner, but that didn't start until 4:30, and I had 2 hours to kill.

We get a tour of the facilities, talk a great deal with the workers at the site, and around 4:00, we run out of things to do. Scotty comes up to me and starts asking with great earnest, "Can I go play basketball at the gym?" I remember seeing the gym during our short tour, and I also remembered they had a few people already playing. I said to him, "Sure, see if you can get into a pick-up game." And he bolts out of the room.

Now, remember how I said Scotty was short(er)? Well, on top of that, he doesn't exude the confidence of an athelte. But with a smile like his, how could I tell him to stop.

A few other guys go to join him on the courts, and I start looking for things the rest of the group can do. After about an hour working on various projects, I make my way back to the courts to see how the rest of my group is fairing.

Three of the guys from my group are on the court playing ball. In addition to them, there are about 7 other guys on the court. Not trying to sound too stereotypical, but... there are 7 other players that are in that game... all of them black... all of them 6 ft tall... all of them look like athletic.

But here's the thing I see. I don't see white/black, poor/rich, CA/WA, oppressor/oppressed... I look out across the court, and I see breaking of walls. Scotty takes a shot, and hits a long 3. His team explodes in excitement and joy. You see, Scotty has (once again) hit the game winning shot. One guy starts calling Scotty, "Warning" Cause if he's got the ball, it should be a warning to you that he's gonna hit a long bomb.

Hugs, high fives, laughs, pats on the back are all exchanged. And joy leaps from my heart. I cannot contain the smile. I cannot help but to laugh with everyone else. On his first try, this high school boy was able to break down walls that have stood in LA for centuries. With a passion and willingness to step outside of the norm, Scotty is suddenly "one of the guys."

And ...

that...

is....

urban...

ministry.

2009-03-16T14:03:00.000-07:00

As a kid, my family went on a lot of skiing trips. At some point during the multiple years of going up on the mountain, I remember being at the peak of Mammoth Mountain looking down at the daunting hill before me. My heart beat faster as my mouth seemed to suddenly be devoid of moisture. How was I going to get down? My dad skied up behind me and said, "Don't just stand there, go! Don't freak yourself out."

And suddenly, as if making a decision to "do or die", I pursed my lips, nodded, and pushed off. I would start taking one turn at a time, getting into a rythmn. I'd silently say to myself, "One turn at a time, left, right, left, right..." As I forced the turns, adrenaline pushed my legs farther than I thought I could push. My hands started to plan my poles at the right time, and I started to pick up speed. My confidence securely mine again, I began to smile. The wind rushed to my face, and I could feel the icy cold bite at my cheeks. It was so refreshing, so exhilarating, I was forced to laugh out as if challenging the mountain.

As I approached the bottom of the run, I would always stop to catch my breath. As I did, I would look back at what I had just come down, and see a white wall of snow. Seemingly impossible by just looking, it became an obstacle that was easily defeated "one turn at a time." Had I stood at the top and told myself that I couldn't, I would have talked myself out of it. If I thought it as a whole mountain, I would have talked myself out of it. But, when broken into smaller pieces, when I just gritted my teeth, when I started laughing, the mountain became something small, something I could conquer, something I could understand.

The last few days, I have been "looking back" at my mountain, and reflecting on how great my last year was. I learned so much from being in LA. I found my love for people, and ministry all in one fell swoop. I saw God work in ways I never would have understood before. And through it all, even though I might have fallen once or twice, I got down the mountain. My white wall that seemed impossible at the time now is conquered, and I get to go back up and try again. This time with more confidence and skill. Does that mean I won't fall? No. Does it mean I won't be scared? No. But, I will find my rythmn, I will laugh, and I will finish.

When facing challenges, what do you stop at? Are you freaking yourself out? Maybe today is a day to grit your teeth, purse your lips, and go. You might fall, true. But when all is said and done, you'd have conquered your mountain. The only true failure is not trying.

In love with Jesus

2009-02-27T13:31:00.000-08:00

About a month ago, a friend of mine asked me to read a section of a book, "Getting Fired for the Glory of God" It'a a collection of articles by Mike Yaconelli. When I read it, sections of it instantly brought me to tears. So, my friend (being a jerk) went out and bought the book for me.

I finally got it from him yesterday, and I haven't been able to put it down. I've re-read the intro 2x now... and am about halfway through all the articles. I wanted to share something with ya'all, and then talk a bit about how it makes me feel.

This is the introduction, written by Mark Yaconelli (Mike's son). He talks about his dad, and why they put together this book of articles after his death.

"Before you engage in any of this marerial, however, the first thing you should keep in mind is that Dad loved Jesus. I know all of us within the Christian faith are supposed to love Jesus. Many of us who work in the church try to love Jesus and help others love Jesus. But often a more accurate statement is that we believe in Jesus, we have faith in Jesus, we struggle to follow Jesus. Sometime after Dad turned 50, a transformation took place in his life. He went from believing in, admiring, and following Jesus to just plain loving Jesus.

"For his family, those of us most intimate with him, Dad's love for Jesus was often disarming. You might be standing in his kitchen drinking coffee (with potatoes and peppers cooking on the stove), and Dad would start talking about a project he was working on or an insight for a sermon he was preparing. The tone would be light and informal; then all of a sudden, he'd mention the name of Jesus, and his voicewould catch. At first you'd stop to see if he was ok, or if he needed something. Then you'd notice his eyes were wet, and he'd look at you kind of helplessly and shake his head for a moment as he tried to hold back the tears. It was then that you remembered: He really loves Jesus."

Even now, as I type this, I can feel my eyes start to get wet. I begin to wonder why is it that this particular story hits me the way that it does. And, I realize that it has a lot to do with how I wish I could love Jesus. I want to love him so much that it causes me to emotionally react when I hear his name, or I mention him in passing. What if we all loved Jesus that much? The kind of first love that gets so embedded in us that we cannot help but to hold up our hands, turn our heads and swallow a lump in our throat at the mere mention of Christ's name?

Being caught up in ministry can sometimes make us forget the simple reason as to why we do what we do. It pushes us, and instead of leaning on Jesus' strength, we fall back to our own gifts & understanding. A few chapters in, Mike Yaconelli talks in his article, "Where's Jesus?" about a meeting he was attending, where they were going over strategy to outreach to adolescents. They were discussing goals, technology, programs & the such, and they were asked to respond.

"I started to speak, but the words caught in my throat. My tears ambushed me, and I was unable to respond. Taken by surprise, I wondered what my tears were about. Instantly I saw the following mental picture: A man was leaning against the wall a few feet from us. He seemed lonely and sad, like a wallflower at a dance. One look at his eyes, and I could tell he desperately wanted us to notice him, to pay attention to him, to talk to him-but we just went on with our business and ignored him.

"That man was Jesus, of course. There he stood in the midst of our long conversation about strategies, programs, and target markets, and we didn't even notice the very reason why we have these meetings in the first place!"

Today, I think I am going to spend some time away from the business of work... and focus in on the business of being with my first love, my beloved, my Jesus.

Bike Rides!

2009-02-22T02:31:00.000-08:00

So, for the last 6 months or so, I've been hearing about midnight bike rides. They are a trend that started where a bunch of riders get together around 10pm to ride throughout the city. As I understand it, most of the information as to when & where is spread over the internet. It was first told to me by one of my interns, CJ. He was totally excited by it, and I was decently interested. Some of it sounded unreal... why would a bunch of people get together to just bike through the city? Well, some of it is the social part of it. You get to meet a bunch of new people... hang out with a group of people more diverse than most places, and you get to see parts of the city that you probably never saw.

About a month after CJ told me, my brother also started getting into it. He ran in a different town than CJ, but had the same passion and enthusiasm. So after hearing about these crazy rides (and actually having one interupt one of my prayer tours), today I agreed to go to one.

My brother brought me to a ride on the West-side called the Crank Mob ride. It's a once a month ride, and about 500 people showed up!! We went through a bunch of cities; Culver City and Westwood just to name a few. In total, Jeremy and I think we rode around 15-17 miles. Of course, it took us about 4 hours to do it, but that's also because we stopped 2x so people (people like me) could rest, and other people could smoke ("I just rode 10 miles, and I am out of breath, let me inhale some smoke...").

Watching 500 people ride through crowded streets of Westwood was actually one of the funniest things I have ever seen. It's like a wave of people suddenly showing up and disappearing without warning. As they pass by you, they are screaming at the tops of their lungs, honking horns, blasting 4 different songs at once, and ringing those stupid little bike bells. It was funny to see some cars literally stranded in the sea of bikes; stopped waiting for the crowd to pass (which would take a good 5 -10 minutes) There was literally nothing they could do but watch. Many people yelled out as us, "Why are you biking?" "Where are you going?" "What is this?" Store patrons and owners left their restaurants, families came out of their homes, drunk people stumbled out of their bars... to see the spectacle. I could hear many people saying, "It's like it never ends!"

My brother commented to me before the ride started that I would see how it was like we were taking back the streets from the cars, and I suddenly understood as we rode down the street. We outnumbered the cars 100 to 1. It wasn't violent, angry, a protest, or anything... it was just a social event. A good time for people to get together. And as I looked around, I realized, there were no racial barriers here. No social classes. No judging others on what they were wearing, what bike they were riding, what music they were blaring... just commodery.

People would stop to help strangers when others fell, offer tire replacements, or help fixing a bike that broke down. And it was the norm. It wasn't strange, awkward, or uncomfortable.

Around the end of mile 2, I was exhausted!! But a couple people pulled up and encouraged me to keep going, and it would be easier. They were right! I started laughing with them as we rode together, and the ride became easier. I started yelling along with everyone cheering on our ride, and I felt included with the group.

...

This isn't a perfect model, but as we were driving away, I started wondering, what if Church was like this? Not my church or your church, but Church, the bride of Christ, the witness to the world for what God has taught us?

What if:

- ... when someone new came to the group, they were welcomed with smiles and warm "hello"s?

- ... as people fall, others stop to make sure they are ok.

- ... we, as a group, stop once and awhile to rest, dance, and laugh

- ... stop divinging our church by race, class, sex, age, intellect, or denomination.

- ... when someone gets tired, strangers can come alongside to encourage & cheer us on.

If that happened, wouldn't others stop and say, "What is this?" "Where are you going?" "Why Christianity?"

Think about it...

Blurry Dreams

2009-01-14T01:36:00.000-08:00

When I was in middle school, I used to do a lot of reading late at night. Sometimes, I would fall asleep with my glasses still on. The next day, when my mom would wake me up, I would still have them on. She would laugh at me and ask me why I was still wearing my glasses. "Is it to see your dreams better?"

It's been awhile since I fell asleep with my glasses, but sometimes I ask myself if I can really see my dreams clearly. Vision for life sometimes becomes blurry, especially during transition times. And when it becomes blurry it is hard to tell if you are going the right way or not. Dreams, hopes, aspirations can all become difficult to put down in words. They can become distorted, changed, then forgotten all together.

As I look back into my life, I can remember a time when I thought I was going to be martyred for Christ before I hit 21. I can remember telling people that I was going to quit junior high school to become a missionary. I can remember being so zealous that I yelled at the top of my lungs for God to break me down into pieces and mold me as He saw fit.

I'm 30 going on 31 this year, and I haven't been martyred. I managed to finish high school. But, God is holding me to something. He continues to work in my life, breaking off pieces that don't fit His design, and molding me into something different, something changed, something beautiful.

God is faithful.

I drop out of college.

God is faithful.

I stop going to church.

God is faithful.

My work starts to consume my life.

God is faithful.

Life doesn't go as planned.

God is faithful.

...

God IS faithful.

Maybe I find a wife.

God IS faithful.

Maybe I stay single forever.

God IS faithful.

Maybe I never make the millions of dollars I planned. (maybe I do)

God IS faithful.

Maybe I help my friend who doesn't have a home. (maybe I ignore him)

God IS faithful.

Maybe I cry myself to sleep. (maybe I don't)

God IS FAITHFUL!

So, in it all, even though our dreams fade, and we forget why we started down this path. Our one love, our passion, our Lord continues to have His eyes on the prize. That we draw closer to Him.

And today, I say this:

"I serve at the pleasure of my Lord."

And tomorrow, I start over, and say again:

"I serve at the pleasure of my Lord."... and again, and again, and again...

"Therefore I glory in Christ Jesus in my service to God." - Romans 15:17

New Year...

2009-01-10T01:35:00.000-08:00

Well, it's 2009, and the time for reflection and self-analysis is here. And how do I percieve the past/present/future to be in my life? Complicated.

I guess it's easy to say that when I last posted, I was pretty frustrated with life, and to say that I still am not would be lying. I am frustrated. Mostly with relationships, with some of the decisions that I have made, and mostly with the fact that I cannot seem to make the right moves.

At the beginning of this year, I was invited to go up to our all church youth retreat. It was supposed to be this grand event, because we had never attempted to get all 7 of our churches together for such an ordeal. But truth be told, I was not at all interested. I wasn't excited, nor looking forward to it. I knew that I was leading a small group, but I was so distanced from the outcome, that I never even bothered to ask who I was leading. As the retreat came closer, I even realized that I never planned out how I was going to get there. The day before the retreat, I managed to plan out to ride up to the retreat on the bus. Basically, the laziest possible way for me to get up there.

As it turns out, God has bigger plans for us than we know. And He continues to do good things even when we are not interested in Him. I ended up leading a pretty large group of college guys, who upon first glance were just a rag-tag group of odds and ends. I didn't know half of them, and the half that I did know were known around my church as troublemakers. But like I said, God is pretty big. As the retreat progressed, I began to realize that I was supposed to be in charge of this group for good reason. They turned out to be much more open than I ever anticipated, and it melted much of the hardness of my heart. Not only was God teaching me more about my heart and this group, but He also started speaking into my frustration.

I think I have been mad at God for my predicament. Mad that I have not found the right person. No, I think that's wrong. I was mad at God for not giving me the right girl. Let's be blunt. That's where I was. Am? Maybe. I was upset because I really do feel like I would be a good boyfriend, and eventual husband. I belive I will be a good father, and I believe that in my hearts of hearts I desire for a family more than anything. But then why am I still sitting here alone?

Yes, I think it's safe to say, I had (have?) my issues.

Then, the last night, I remember sitting there, upset, trying to deal with God in my terms. By my rules. By my standards. And something happened. As I sat there, I heard kids running. I looked up to see that our speaker's three sons were running to him. He had finished his speaking and came to the back of the room to worship. His sons saw that he was free, and ran to him. Now, all weekend, he had been sharing with us about his life, and how he had made some pretty bad decisions. And immediately, as I looked up, I got this very distinct impression. God was saying, "look, this man before you messed up worse than you, and I still gave him a family that he can love deeply. why do you doubt that I cannot do the same for you?" And my heart broke. I felt every part of me crash down. At the time, the worship team was singing "Restoration" If you haven't heard it, here's a link *Lyrics at the bottom of my post

Immediately, I felt my heart tug at me, and I stood up. Shortly after I stood, the worship team switched to another song, "I'll Stand" (link) *Lyrics also at the bottom And when the Chorus came up, I realized that this is an area that I had never let God truly take over. And God was asking me to surrender it all.

Now, I don't really know where I am. I've been wrestling with it for days. I don't think this is something that you surrender at a retreat once and it goes away forever. If God told me today that I was to follow Him by myself for the rest of my life, would I be ok with that? Would I be ok knowing that I could be single? It's a hard question for me to even ask myself. It's even harder for me to think about the answer. The simple and honest answer would be, "I don't think I'd be ok with it, but I'm willing to wrestle with it."

That chorus haunts me though. "So I'll stand, with arms high and heart abandoned." Do I stand? "I'll stand, my soul Lord to You surrendered; All I am is Yours" Wow, powerful stuff, if you take it seriously.

Questions questions.... struggles struggles...

Sorry if this post didn't seem to have much of a point. Such has been my thought process lately.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Restoration Lyrics:

Verse 1:

You've takin my pain and called me by a new name.

You've takin my shame and it's place you give me joy.

Chorus:

You take my morning and turn it into dancing.

You take my weeping and turn it into laughing.

You take my morning and turn it into dancing.

You take my sadness and turn it into joy.

Verse 2:

You bring restoration, you bring restoration

You bring restoration, to my soul.

Bridge:

Hallelujah hallelujah, you make all things new,all things new

Hallelujah hallelujah, you make all things new.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

I'll Stand Lyrics:

You stood before creation

Eternity within Your hand

You spoke all life into motion

My soul now to stand

You stood before my failure

Carried the Cross for my shame

My sin weighed upon Your shoulders

My soul now to stand

So what can I say

What can I do

But offer this heart O God

Completely to You

So I'll walk upon salvation

Your Spirit alive in me

This life to declare Your promise

My soul now to stand

So I’ll stand

With arms high and heart abandoned

In awe of the One who gave it all

So I’ll stand

My soul Lord to You surrendered

All I am is Yours

Show me Your heart

Show me Your way

Show me Your glory

To really live....

2008-11-20T11:24:00.000-08:00

One of my favorite quotes is from Braveheart, William Wallace says, "Every man dies, not every man really lives."

Lately, a lot has been weighing on my mind. Trying to figure out what my life is all about, and where is it going? Seems like a great deal of my friends' families are growning, and I am standing around watching. I guess it happens to a handful of us, we watch. We wish. We wait...

I decided about two month ago, I was tired of waiting, and I was going to do something about it. I was sick of complaining that I never really had an opportunity to go out and date, but on the same coin, I never was really trying. Why try when it's safe at home, right? So I decided to put myself out there.

Sometimes, when I am home, and nothing else is on TV, I watch that show, "What's my House Worth?" It's really hard for the home owners, because they take something very personal, something they care very much about, and ask an expert to objectively tell them how much it's worth. The expert tells them where they need work, and why it might be worth a lot or a very little. Once and awhile, they have a house that's not really that great, and when the person tells the family, they cry, because it's worth so much more to them.

I feel like my heart is worth so much more than the response I have had. I've put myself on the scales and I feel like I have come short.

"Hey, you're a great friend, and that's what I'm looking for."

"I'm just really busy right now in my life."

"I just don't think of you that way."

"You aren't what I want."

"My expectations are not... you."

"I.... don't think so."

Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.

Feels like I'm dying here, can I really live? How do I get back up when I feel like I've been torn up?

To be expected...

2008-11-05T04:10:00.001-08:00

It was to be expected... we all saw it coming. The last few months had become increasingly difficult as talks became more frequent and discussions about the future were more concrete. Excitement began to build and everything began to "take shape"

I am talking, of course, about the birth of Abigail Jeanette Hamilton. Yes, Rachel and Jeff had their baby. Everyone is healthy, happy, and safe. Congratulations again to the family! I couldn't be happier for you.

A month or so back, another couple at CSM had their first. A baby girl by the name of Lucy Elena Fox. And I have become really excited about the families that have really grown in CSM. That's not including the couple of ladies expecting. (Yes, apparently, it's the "in" thing to do now at CSM... no pressure on the rest of us who aren't even dating... hee hee)

With all the big political news that's been consuming America the last few weeks, I think it's wonderful to think of life not only in the political realm, but also the individual. What does the future hold for me? What does the future hold for you? What does it hold for little Abby? For Lucy? The future is a tricky thing, you don't know what decision you make today will influence the paths and dreams of tomorrow. Looking back at my life, I think much of what I am today is mostly influenced by the little tiny decisions, the ones I never even thought twice about.

Of course the future is tricky. Life itself was never ment to be a walk in the park. It's about learning, and discovery, and ups, and downs, and and and... well everything. I have made decisions based on the intellect of mind, love of heart, and the whims of my gut, but I think this upcoming year, I need to start to become more intentional in what I am doing. Learn to make decisions based on what people around me need, based on what is best for my life in the end, and based on the bigger picture.

What have you done lately? Ok, we voted, that's great. The activism doesn't end here. Getting involved doesn't stop with electing someone else to do it for you. Change is great, if you are helping the change. I really do believe we live in one of the greatest countries in the world. I have deep pride in saying that I am an American. But we have a long road ahead of us to change our worldwide perception, to become the people we claim to be, and to make this world a better place.

Because ultimately, it really is about making the world better isn't it? It's not for me, or for you... it's for the Abigail Jeanette Hamilton's, it's for the Lucy Elena Fox's, it's for... well our future.

Same old tune...

2008-06-30T21:31:00.001-07:00

I know I've said this before, and I'll say it again...

Relationships are hard. I really don't know what to make of them. This time, I really have something else to say....

So, I've been trying to make time in my schedule to get out there and "get to know" girls. but it seems that I am always way awkward or just falling over myself to have a good time. The other day, I went out with a girl for lunch, and had a blast. I really enjoyed it and felt like we had such a good time talking. But today, I called her to just touch base, and really didn't feel the same way. Was she blowing me off? Should I back off for a bit? If I do, what happens then?

ARGH... why are relationships so hard? That's all I really wanted to say... Thanks for listening to me rant and rave.

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Leisure on Vacation?

2008-06-29T20:21:00.001-07:00

This past weekend, CSM went on a retreat. We had groups all the way until Saturday morning, and had another group coming in on Sunday, so we decided to go somewhere close. Early Saturday morning, we rushed the groups out of our housing site, and piled into the cars and drove to Palm Springs. When we got there, we split up, some of us going to the movies, and some of us to the water park. Relaxing all afternoon was followed by a dinner we all shared. Then we walked down the street to get some ice cream. It was close to 8pm, and it was still over 100 degrees. But despite the weather, we were still having a great time talking and just enjoying each other's company.

This morning, before we left, Vales put together this great devotional for us to reflect on God, and how we make space for Him. I started reading the material, and only was able to make it to the first page, when I was struck with so much depth, journaling was the only way to get my mind around it. Here is that particular entry:

Have you ever heard someone say, "I need a vacation from my vacation"? It's odd to me that life gets so busy, that even when we plan to relax we are more stressed than when we work.

Finding leisure, is crazy. If you don't believe me, try this little experiment. Go to Disneyland one day, find a nice shady place to sit, where a lot of people are walking around. And WATCH. I don't mean for five or ten minutes, I mean sit and really watch the crowd. Watch for half an hour; watch for an hour; shoot! watch the whole day!

Watch people trying to relax. Watch them plan their rest into such a frenzy that it stresses everyone out. Watch as a crazed mom drags her exhausted children from ride to ride. Watch as a dad is so worked up about the money being spent he's losing his mind. Watch as a kid throws a tantrum because he can't just rest. But aren't they resting? Isn't this their vacation? Aren't they supposed to be having fun?!?

Maybe leisure isn't exactly how the world defines it. Maybe it's finding time for silence in the midst of noise, maybe it's quiet conversations in the midst of turmoil, maybe it's creating time, space, and energy in the midst of the busiest week.

I think we need to re-define how we find rest. How does one find it? Where does it come from? In Psalm 121 it reads, "I life my eyes to the hills. Where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth."

How awesome is that statement? How amazing is it that the Lord God almighty; the maker of mountains, oceans, green valleys of grass, and vast expanses of ice; can help me? That He WANTS to help me.

And God can give us peace. He can give me Rest. And He can give me what I NEED.

Heidelberg Catechism says:
I trust him so much that I do not doubt
    he will provide
       whatever I need
       for body and soul,
    and he will turn to my good
       whatever adversity he sends me
       in this sad world.

He is able to do this because he is almighty God,
he desires to do it because he is a faithful Father.

Help me Lord find peace, find solitude, find patience, find... YOU.

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Series of Unfortunate Events....

2008-06-22T10:37:00.001-07:00

Over the last few weeks, I have had a series of amazingly bad things happen all at once.

Some of you heard, some of you haven't, but I totalled my car about a month ago. I was driving through an intersection when the SUV in front of me stopped, and I didn't have enough room between me and him. So, I hit him. I saw it happening, so I managed to slam on the brakes, but... still hit. Because his car was so much higher than mine, it's bumper managed to go right over mine and hit my hood instead. Thus crushing my radiator and doing significant frame damage. Nobody was hurt (thank God), and I got most things worked out with my insurance company. I was given a rental truck, they decided to buy my car at a ... fair price, and I sighed and moved on. On Wednesday, my parents were gracious enough to loan me their car, so I would not have to continue to rent the truck, and pay outrageous prices on gas.

A few weeks ago, my tooth started hurting. I tried to ignore it, because... well, to be honest, the dentist scares me. It did get better, then it took a turn for the worse. I was waking up at night, and I couldn't fall back to sleep because my mouth hurt so much. So, on Wednesday, I called into my dentist, and scheduled an appointment for Thursday. Thursday 9:30 in the morning. So, I get up on Thursday, drive myself down, and got ready for the worst. After a few hours (of paperwork, x-rays, and waiting) I finally got checked up. To which, my dentist tells me, "Your teeth are in bad shape." This I could deduce from the pain. What's the damage doc? Well, apparently, I need to re-do all my fillings, get a root canal, and put crowns on 2 of my teeth. CRAZY!! So, after much thought, I decide to just do it, starting with the root canal. They start in on my teeth... 6 hours later, I walk out of the dentist's chair with a sore mouth, new fillings on one side of my mouth, and an appointment for Friday. I go back Friday morning to get the other half of my mouth worked on, and prep for the crowns... I walk out 4 hours later; tired, dizzy, and exhausted. Who knew sitting in a chair for that long could wear you out so much. In the past week, I've spent a little over 14 hours in a dentist chair. Am I done? No. I'm going back on Monday to finish off the root canal. Then in about 2 weeks, I get to go back again to finish off the crowns. *sigh*

So Friday, I get out of the dentist's office, and decide to try to get into work to finish off some things I haven't gotten to... Being dazed and confused, I must have forgotten to lock the passenger door to my car. So, after about 4 hours at work, I walked out to my car to grab a bag of clothes, and realize that someone had opened my door and stolen the bag. Luckily, my parents had just given me their car, and there wasn't anything in it. I was pretty upset, but I got over it quickly, because I said to myself, "at least nothing is broken, and it was just clothes that was stolen"

Last night, as I'm talking to a few people at Dare & Tiff's wedding, I get a call from my roommate. Apparently, the rental truck (which I was going to return on Monday), was broken into next to my apartment while I was out. This time, they didn't just open the door. They smashed the window, and grabbed my GPS that was sitting on the dash. (Note: not the rental's GPS, mine). I was really messed up at this point. I was exhausted, weary, and just plain at my wit's end. I spent the next 40 minutes on the phone waiting to talk to a police officer, and about an hour later, they showed up on the scene to write up a police report. I stood outside, while they told me that it was likely that the "perp" would get away, and do it again to someone else. It really made me sad. I wasn't all that attached to the GPS, but the invasion of personal property really upset me.

When I finished, I walked back to my room and just sat there. I think I just need this particular couple of days to end. I want a whole week where I don't get kicked in the gut. Is that too much to ask? It's like a bad movie. And I ask myself... why?

Today, in my devotions, the Psalm I was reading was 121. Verse 7 reads, "The LORD will keep you from all harm- he will watch over your life;" I really want this to be true. I really do.

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Hello Mother, Hello Father.

2008-06-19T08:24:00.001-07:00

YAY!!! My folks are home! Actually, they've been home since Monday, but I didn't actually get to see them until last night. We all got together and went out to eat some sushi. (double yay!)

It's funny how a relationship with parents can change over time. I think in the past couple of years, I've learned to communicate with them differently. I joke with my pops more these days, and have deep discussions about God and the future with my mom. I'd have to say that out of all the things I've done to hurt them through the years (intentionally or not) I'm still amazed that they love me as much as they do. Sometimes, this love comes out of their unnecessary worry for me or their desire for greatness in my life... But, even though it sometimes is a little unbelievable, I find deep comfort in that love.

They were out of town for both Mother's day and Father's day, which is great, because I really didn't have to think about it too much, but having them home is so cool that last night felt like a big Mother's/Father's day dinner.

I think that's all I really had to say about that. I know, I'm kinda sappy, but it's what I was thinking and so... there it is. my 2 cents for this entry.

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No Rest for the Weary?

2008-06-12T15:13:00.000-07:00

"28Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." - Matthew 11:28-29

I've been learning a lot recently about weariness recently. Partially because I'm learning what it means to be training at CSM in the summer; partially because I'm starting a new work-out regiment. But I'm learning what it means to try to find rest.

And recently, when I begin to think of rest, I am reminded about a message I heard Dan speak a few months ago. He was explaining that when we wrestle with God sometimes it is ok to just relax and rest in His arms and let Him hold us.

There's something sweet about that image. Something comforting. Something... relaxing.

I think a lot of times we wrestle with God, and that's a good thing. We grapple with Him about our futures, about our present, sometimes about our past. We hold on tight for the things we ask Him about. We grip his arms and hands demanding peace and rest and energy.

Or... we can relax

Let His hands hold us up in the moment of His grace.
Let His arms embrace us and shelter us from fear.
Let His voice calm us into peace and rest.

I saw something the other night, as I was at the Hamilton's house for game 3. Janie fell down as she was running across the living room. She didn't hit anything, but I think it scared her more than anything else. And she started to cry. I've seen this a ... few times... and every time it's very similar, either Jeff or Rachel picks her up and starts to speak soothing words to her. Usually, (though sometimes not always) she calms down, and all is right with the world again. Sometimes, she's really worked up and it's hard for her to calm down as quickly, but Jeff or Rachel keep talking to her. Calm, relaxing words of comfort.

Can I begin to relax in God's arms today? Can I listen to His still, quiet voice of reason? Can I just let His hands keep me safe? Can I calm down from the day-in and day-outs of life and allow God to just speak to me? What does quiet sound like? What does comfort feel like?

Where... is my rest?

Sunburned...

2008-06-08T03:17:00.001-07:00

Today, I didn't really know what I was doing until I woke up (which is a nice change of pace). We just finished training, and our groups aren't coming in until tomorrow evening. So, the hosts called me up and told me they were gonna hang out at the beach this afternoon. Hang out at the beach and work on my tan? Why not? Sounds like fun.

I ran some quick errands, and headed out to the beach to meet up with them (they decided to get out there around 11, I caught up with them around 1).

We did some quick swimming, then we mostly lay there and talked about stuff. It was a pretty chill afternoon. Around 5pm, some of the hosts decided to start heading back and since it was getting late, so did I. Apparently, one of our hosts is... not as dark as some of us from So. Cal. so she got pretty badly burned. It was actually pretty heartbreaking to see. This is her first REAL bad sunburn and she was actually so bad that she was dizzy and could barely move around.

At one point I stood there debating if we should drive her to the hospital and wait in the ER for like 7 hours for the doctors to tell me that there was nothing they could do and she needed water, sleep, and painkillers. (And sometimes they recommend aloe). At least in the ER I'm getting someone's professional opinion about what little we could do. I felt helpless. Sunburn is one of those things that make you feel alone. It hurts so bad that talking to others is difficult. You can't move, so you feel helpless. And worst of all, nobody can touch you, so you can't get comforted.

As I stood there watching her wrestle with her new found pain, I couldn't help but to think of the couple of times I had been through that. (yes today I'm slightly sunburned, but not NEARLY that bad). I wanted to tell her that everything would be ok. Her body would heal itself. The pain, though almost too much to think through, would eventually fade. And before long, the whole memory would be a story she told others to ward them away from the California sun.

But watching her eyes, and her pain, I couldn't say it. I felt like I couldn't ignore the pain she was going though, because it was real. genuine. consuming.

And I thought to myself. Is this how God feels sometimes when we struggle with our lives? Does He watch us go through our pain and want to tell us: "Everything is going to be ok." "With time, your body will heal itself." "The pain you feel, though almost to think through, will eventually fade." and "Before long, this whole memory will become part of the story of your life."

He's seen more than we can, He knows so much more, and He wants to be there for us... but maybe He allows us to experience pain because it is real and genuine. And with that timing He allows us to heal. He sits with us as we cry. He's quiet as we try to lay down for rest. He nurtures us when we need something. And He smiles at us when we look at His face.

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2008-06-05T08:46:00.001-07:00

I think it's been a crazy few weeks, but I think my life is finally getting back into rhythm again. We just finished training last night, and had a dinner at my apartment to celebrate the completion of two weeks of straight work. Vales made an awesome lasagna, I made some bread, and some pasta to go with. Afterwards, the girls made some apple crisp, which we added ice cream to it. YUM!

Also, my car has been totalled... Yeah, I was driving and I hit a SUV... his bumper didn't even touch mine, and it hit my hood instead. So there's enough frame damage and transmission damage that I have to sell it to my insurance and buy a "new" car. I say that because I really do have to get a used car (I think) unless I want another 5 years of payments. I was excited cause just this last February I finished paying off my LAST car... *SIGH* oh well... It's all in God's hand anyways. I'm just happy nobody got hurt. =)

I've been learning even more about the city, which is still a surprise. I think I'm now to the point where I realize that I will learn new things everyday. We are a week from when the first group will show up, and I am STILL juggling some trips around. That's right folks, I just worked out some kinks in the schedule with 2 more of our ministry sites yesterday. I don't think this job will ever get boring.

So today, I am back to scheduling. Working out trips that no longer make sense, finding people to go to places that need them. Some quick prayer requests as I finish off this (rather pointless) post.

My Grandma goes into surgery today, please pray that she will successfully have pressure released from her spine so she will not be in constant pain.
This summer is a good experience to me, as I step further into responsibility.
My church will find favor upon my application for financial support.
That I find a car quickly and without too much stress

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Have a great summer, see you next fall...

2008-05-29T09:48:00.001-07:00

Remember getting your yearbook, and running around getting people to sign it? It was always a sign that summer was fast approaching, and it would be 3 months of fun, play, and relaxation. This last week has been anything but that. It's been crazy, busy, and great.

Our new summer interns arrived last Thursday and Friday, and have been busy learning about the city, each other, and themselves. We've had some amazing discussions and it's fired me up to be real excited about the next few months. I want to say more, but honestly, mostly I am excited to get some pictures up. Next post will be less of a picture post and a real blog with thoughts, musings, and (hopefully) new insights.

Here's us at Griffith Park, it's one of our debriefing sites, and we went up there to talk about the city and then spent some time praying. I like this picture, cause while we were praying a couple of kids from school field trips walked by and said that we all fell asleep. HAHAH.

Behind the observatory at Griffith

Looking out over the city

I like how you can see the skyline of Los Angeles in the background of this picture (I don't think I planned that). But it's just crazy to see how big LA is from this vantage point. (Yes, it had just rained 2 days before so there is less smog today)

I love long landscape panoramic looking photos...

Ladies and Gentlemen, I proudly present our summer interns (minus Clair)

Here they are again plus Jon.

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Ecclesiastes

2008-05-22T07:43:00.001-07:00

I've been attending a small group in Burbank, and it's been pretty much one of the greatest things in my life right now. We just finished studying Ecclesiastes which I realized has some real funny verses when you see them out of context (it helps if you read them aloud). So, I'm sharing with you some of my favorites...(each verse will be followed with my awesome commentary)

"...the fool lacks sense and shows everyone how stupid he is." - Ecc 10:3
See? Even the bible calls people stupid. So, when I do it, it's not to offend people, it's to tell people they need to be more wise....hee hee

"...whoever breaks through a wall may be bitten by a snake." - Ecc 10:8
WHAT? Have you broken any walls recently? I haven't... but I don't think my fear would be snakes biting me. I know some of this is cultural... sure, but... was that really a saying in their time? "You know whatcha gotta watch out for when you demolish walls? SNAKES!!" (Actually this verse is a series of verses all about how sometimes you are trying to accomplish something and forget about the obvious consequences)

"...Whether a tree falls to the south or to the north, in the place where it falls, there it will lie." - Ecc 11:3
Really? Careful, too much of this might overload our senses...

And this one cracks me up.. cause out of context you can get the bible to say ANYTHING...
"A feast is made for laughter, and wine makes life merry, but money is the answer for everything." Ecc 10:19
I actually want to write "ECC 10:19" on a huge board and bring it to baseball games and hold it up for everyone to see... Do you think I'd lead too many people astray?

Ok, but back to seriousness here. I actually really love this study on Ecclesiastes, cause it really has some good, wise stuff to dig through. Perfect brain food for someone like me. This verse had me thinking for days, and I think I fall into it far too often.
"Whoever loves money never has money enough; whoever loves wealth is never satisfied with his income. This too is meaningless. As goods increase, so do those who consume them. And what benefit are they to the owner except to feast his eyes on them? The sleep of a laborer is sweet weather he eats little or much, but the abundance of a rich man permits him no sleep. I have seen a grievous evil under the sun: wealth hoarded to the harm of it's owner, or wealth lost through some misfortune, so that when he has a son there is nothing left for him." Ecc 5:10-14

It goes on for a bit on this path, but I love how it says, whoever has money will never have enough. It speaks deeply into the human condition. It strikes true in my heart, because I have been there. I have know what it is like to crave more money than I really know what to do with. I have known the depths of grievous evil under the sun. I hoarded to the harm of myself. But now that I have a chance to do it differently, how will I change?

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What do you make time for?

2008-05-08T14:21:00.000-07:00

I was talking to a friend recently about all the different things he wants to do with his life. We talked about his passions and his goals, and how his current job is not very fulfilling. He kept telling me he wanted to do something else with his life, and if only he had a different job, his life would seem to be more... well, it would be more.

I asked him an interesting question. "What do you do in your spare time?" Was he pursuing this "perfect job"? Was his free time consumed with applying for a new job, practicing his skills so when he got his chance he would shine, finding new contacts that would help him break into the biz? No, in fact, he spent most of his free time watching TV, reading books, and sitting around. And I thought to myself, He doesn't REALLY want to do anything different.

Another friend of mine was telling me that he went to the doctor recently, and found out his heart was in real bad shape. He's been overweight for a long time, and knew he wasn't treating his body with much respect. The funny thing is if you asked him, he could tell you what EXACTLY he was doing wrong. But, after the doctor told him that he was going to die if he kept going down this track, he started changing what he did with his time. Now, when I call him, he's not watching television and eating corn dogs. He's running, he's eating salads, he's making good choices for himself. He doesn't want to die (I don't want him to either, so I'm happy about this change). And he's started to make the time to become healthier.

A lot of times, I say that I want certain things for myself. I want to work out, I want to eat better, I want to have a relationship... But, I never make time for any of that. The things in your life that are most important to you, you make time for. I make time for my job. I make time for my friends. I make time for... watching television. Yup, I'm lazy too. But, rest is important (and so is making time for it).

I'm learning (slowly) that I need to make time for other things in my life. I'm slowly making time for volunteering at an after-school program. I'm making time for a small group that I'm getting involved with. I'm making time for church on Sunday. It's all stuff that requires a lot of energy, but it's all stuff that's become important to me. And, I have to make time for it.

So, my question to you is this... What do you make time for in your life? A quick evaluation of your time can prove where your priorities lie. And if you spend all your time eating ice cream, then... that's your number 1 priority (and a good one at that). But maybe it's time to stop saying, "I wish I had time for..." and started saying, "I'm making the time for..."

Why me?

2008-04-25T08:39:00.001-07:00

Life is unfair. Why can't I get what I want? If I only had... I need... Why me?

Sound familiar?

I think we all get that way from time to time. I catch myself saying it all the time. But, as much as I say it, do I realize what God has given me? Can I even begin to count my blessings? There's a hymn that says, "Count your blessings, name them one by one, Count your blessings, see what God has done! Count your blessings, name them one by one, and it will surprise you what the Lord hath done."

It's easy to get caught in the "me" game. When I have to do something I don't like, or when I see my friends getting ahead of me, I sometimes think, if I could only have that I would be happy. But I don't think that I have taken all the different blessings I have had in my life.

Yesterday, I went to volunteer at the SAY YES! Program at Central City Community Church. A friend of mine works there , and I thought it would be good chance for me to see what's happening in the city. Central City Community Church is a church located within Skid Row, and their SAY Yes! Program is a program designed to help disadvantaged children after school.

As I showed up, I saw a group of kids eating snacks and goofing around. Afterwards they sang some songs, and then had some free-time. Honestly, I felt a little awkward, because I just went from an environment of calm and computers to chaos and people. I didn't know what to do. But as free-time started, I was watching a few boys play, and looked up to see a small boy crying. He got into a fight with another boy and was walking my direction. When he got close, he stood right next to me and decided to stop. My heart broke and I gave him a big hug. He grabbed my hand and stood there for a good long time.

I eventually got pulled away to start tutoring. I was helping out the 4th and 5th graders. I got assigned to help a girl named Tatianna. Her homework was to write a page about sharks. It wasn't too hard, and we finished it relatively quickly. Afterwards, we got to read a book, which was really fun. I was really proud of her for doing her work so well and having a good attitude. When she was in front of the rest of the kids she didn't seem like someone who would want to listen, but when we sat down she did well.

After dinner, we took the kids home, and Tati lives in a SRO Hotel. SROs are Single room occupancy hotels that are scattered throughout Skid Row. Basically, people pay for a single room with no bathroom or kitchen. Her whole family lives in one room. Some of the floors are old, and the place looks like it might fall apart at any moment. The SRO that she stays at is one of the most violent places to live in Skid Row. Kids grow up there learning to fight and be angry with the world. When we were walking to the car to drive them home a man was on the street screaming at another man. He was cursing at him saying he wanted his money back. Other people were yelling back at him, telling him not to swear because kids were walking around, but this man didn't seem to care. He was angry; kids or no kids. After we dropped the kids off at the SRO, I was standing at the entrance waiting for the rest of the volunteers to come down, and this same man walked in to go to his room.

What an environment for a kid to grow up in. Where violence and anger is all around you, where in the stairways poop just sits in the corner, where drunks, or worse, drug addicts high on ... something are stumbling around.

These kids try to live.
to grow up into adults.
to ... play.

Life IS unfair.

But not like you think.

Please help me pray for these kids. Pray for their families. And pray that God will CONTINUE His work in the city. (Note: I have heard many people say that they want to bring God to Skid Row, when the reality is God is IN Skid Row working daily)

Do you want to partner with me to fight injustice, poverty, and helplessness? Call me or email me about ways you can help.

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Aftermath...

2008-04-20T09:31:00.001-07:00

It's official, Jeremy's married, and life as I know it has returned to semi-normalcy. No more late nights trying to decide what directions should look like, no more long days trying to run errands, no more crazy ideas like cardboard cut-outs and purple dinosaur suits. And to be honest, I miss the rush. I miss hanging out with all of Jeremy's groomsmen. I miss my brother. hahaha, it's cheesy I know, but he's been gone a week now at cook islands, and I hope he and Serena are having the time of their lives. I'm excited about when they get back and I can hang out with them again. But enough about that subject... on to the update about me.

The week before Jeremy''s wedding, I decided that I wasn't busy enough with all the prep work and craziness. So I also decided that I would move. I moved from the CSM housing site in south east LA to an apartment in Chinatown. I'm just east of Castellar Elementary (for those of you who know Chinatown well, just go past the school, past the medical center, and I'm in one of those apartments over that direction). So, I've been here about a week now, and I'm finally settling in. I did laundry for the first time yesterday and realized that all my clothes DO fit in my room. My lightsabers are on the wall, and it's finally beginning to feel like home.

I moved in with my good friend and co-worker Jon Vales. He actually was living in this apartment with another guy, but that guy got married the same weekend as Jeremy and moved out, just in time for me to move in. It's been pretty fun so far. We stay up late watching TV (last night we stayed up watching "The Hills"), we go out to Dodger games, and we play with our dog. It's been real fun. Work has gotten real fun too, cause we are gearing up for summer, and with that I've been real busy setting up schedules and working out macros for my schedule program.

Next week, I'm also participating in a walk for MS, if you want to participate by walking or sponsoring me, feel free to call or email me. It's for a good cause, and I know you want to get involved.

Life changes pretty quickly, and in one month it feels like all the different aspects have become different. It's taken a lot out of me to change this quickly, but I think I've managed to roll with the punches and have become better at adjusting. There are days where I just am exhausted, but most of the time I manage to keep up. As always, I leave you with some prayer points: praises, concerns, issues, and thanksgiving.

Prayer Items:

Praise God that I am over the busy season of Spring, that God brought me out of it without too much head/heart-ache.
Praise God that I was able to move into my new place relatively quickly, without exhausting me too much.
Pray that I might continue to find rest, and learn the discipline of saying, "no"
Pray that I might finish some longer term projects at work: Prayer letters, setting up summer schedules, fixing the system to match our new housing site.
Pray that financial supporters come to back me in what I do (including the church)
Pray that as I move into this new area of life that God introduce me to a nice girl that loves God with all her heart (yes, I actually AM soliciting THAT prayer...haha)
Thank God for all that He has given me, with a new chance at life through CSM
Thank God for making my living arrangements so easy and comfortable that after a week, I already can call this place home.
Thank God for every day I can look into the sky and see His creation and wonder! =) (cheesy but true...)

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All Better!! Kinda...

2008-03-22T21:45:00.001-07:00

Just wanted to give a quick update on my situation. My group went home on Thursday, and yesterday, I got to spend the day going to Pastor Lo's memorial service then Good Friday service in Arcadia.

My shoulder is MUCH better now, and doesn't hurt nearly as much. In fact, it only hurts when I do certain motions, like turn my steering wheel and lift real heavy objects. Thanks for the prayers!! It's been a real blessing to know that so many people have been praying for me.

Today, I wasn't feeling too well (I'm already feeling better), but one of the side effects of being stuck in bed all day is finding time to think & process. I've been processing a lot about Pastor Lo's memorial service. John gave an interesting message/challenge to us about pouring out our lives for God. Mostly, I took home the fact that when we pour out our lives, it does not involve boundaries and borders, but means we give our all. Many times, I think I reserve my energy trying to save some for the next day, week, or month. I try to figure out how to do something with the least amount of energy possible, so that I don't "burn out". But... God calls us to give our all to Him doesn't He? Our all doesn't involve borders, boundaries, reservations or withholding our energy. In fact, He promises that when we are pouring out everything and we are weak, HE will be our strength. Isn't that an amazing promise?

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Ouch...

2008-03-18T06:38:00.001-07:00

Ok, so quick blog, cause I have about 30 minutes to get ready, set up my day of hosting and... and... I don't know what else...

Quick Prayer items tho:

Last night, I was goofing around and I was trying to demonstrate my "Action Movie Jump" to some Junior Highers (why is it always with jr highers...?) And I landed on my shoulder funny. I think I heard something pop... but am unsure. I stood up and smiled real big... but for a few seconds had the wind knocked out of me and couldn't talk. Also... this morning I could barely move my arm... It gets easier the more I move it... so I don't THINK it was broken or dislocated. I am hoping it is just a bad bruise.... So... Please pray for my stupidity.

Also, I'm super busy this week, and it's getting busier. I am trying to set aside time for myself, but that has been... well, difficult. Pray that I might find peace.

I don't know how to feel about Pastor Lo passing away. He was such a great influencer in my life, and really cared about me and my family. I could go into stories about what he has done, but as I said earlier... time crunch. Let's just say this: his life had shaped many things about how I perceive the world today. His memorial service is this Friday, please pray that I can catch up in my work enough to go.

THANKS!!! Love you all lots. I'll post more later, but need to get going.

You stay classy San Diego!!

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Ranting and Raving.... Questions of my soul

2008-03-14T06:43:00.001-07:00

The most difficult part about relationships, when you are not in relationships is finding a way to start said relationship with the right person. I find that this is especially difficult coming from a Christian perspective. How does one approach finding a relationship that edifies God's name? Some have told me to just pray about it, and God will give me someone that is right for me. Some have said, "If you just let it go, then God will bless you." These sayings are just as vague and unhelpful as, "When you find the right person, you'll know." It means nothing to the person looking.

The difficulty I find is in the searching. How does one 29 year old guy begin his search? If I'm looking for a soulmate that will not only be my friend, my wife, and my partner; but also someone that would be willing to minister with me, to pray with me, to help me make the hard decisions for God, where do I start looking?

One option begins at church. But, I feel like such a sleeze bag going to church with the intention of "hooking up" When I walk into God's house, I don't want to be thinking of potential girlfriends. I want to go to worship God. Is the house of the Lord also a hook-up joint? I think not. At least, I don't want to think of it like that. I'm sure many a great person has found their mates within the walls of the church, and of course that option is still there for me, but I don't believe it's a place I should be intentionally searching out girlfriends.

So that brings me to my only other venue where I hang out with non-married friends. Work. Which brings me to a whole different ethical dilemma. Can I in good conscience date someone at work and take the risk of damaging my work relationships for the sake of an attempt at finding "the one"? I cannot. This is the same problem with the whole, "Oh I'll date a friend of a friend" mentality. You tell yourself it won't be awkward if you decide not to further pursue the relationship after a few dates, because you aren't putting your all into it. But, in reality, everything for me is awkward. Other people get involved, people's hearts are on the line, and suddenly... you find yourself wondering why you got into that situation to begin with.

I've been told that I can't worry about this, and that God will take care of it in the end. But I feel like that's such a lazy way of approaching anything. "Lord, I know you have the right girl out there for me, so I'm just going to wait on you." sounds way too close to... "God, I know I haven't studied for this test, in fact I didn't even open my book, but Lord, I know you have a greater plan for me, and I need to pass this test to move on to the next level. So God, help me pass this test." I know it's not exactly the same, but it's the truth of the matter. I know God will bless me. I know He has a plan for me. But, I cannot believe that means He wants me to sit in my room all day and wait for a girl to come waltzing into my life.

I guess I'm just frustrated. I don't know how to go about this. What do I do? How to I pray about this? Should I wait? Should I pursue? Are blind dates even worth it? Why do I get so socially awkward around new people? Should I act more my age? Can I be satisfied with just being single? Is that God's calling on my life? What if I want kids? What if?.... How?..... When?

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Sir, do you have any change?

2008-03-13T05:27:00.000-07:00

As I sit down I feel like I finally can breathe a sigh of relief. I'm actually blogging again! The world is not coming down around me, and life as I know it will continue.

These last few months have been a wonderful, chaotic, jump into the deep end of ministry experience. Not only have I fallen deeply in love with the work I do, but I have found a deeper understanding of who I am, and what God has called me to be.

In the last few months, God has been teaching me tons about faithfulness and call to ministry. When you find your call, wild dogs couldn't tear you away from the simple satisfaction of waking up each morning and knowing that your life is valued and is important. And nobody has taught me that more about how God's hand can make a difference than a small fellowship group from Torrance called, "Victory Fellowship"

V-Life came out to serve with us earlier this year, and I was assigned to host them. I was excited, because I hadn't hosting in a few weeks, and I was chomping at the bit to get back into some of our ministry sites. Now, when a group shows up for their first night, as a host, it's difficult to tell what kind of group they will be. A multitude of questions run through your mind. Are they big eaters? Will they talk a lot during debriefs? Are they more "active"? Will they care about what you have to say? and the one question that has a deep repeating cry in my soul is: Will they take home the love, compassion, and passion they learn this week to their friends, family, and forgotten in their world??

The weekend quickly ended with this group, and I came to really enjoy my time with them. I loved hanging out with the leaders & students, and at one point even got to draw on some of their faces with magic marker. That being said, Sunday came around, and they went home... and life continued... kinda. A few days later, I started hearing back from the group about changes. Changes in lifestyle, in attitude, and in perception of the world. One of the students was spending time with a family member that nobody had talked to in a long time, because she didn't want her to be alone; another decided to do an extensive report on homelessness, and what can be done to love the people more. And I gradually began to realize that GOD, had placed seeds in their hearts to begin to love the lost, love the hopeless, and love the forgotten in ways I never could understand.

Isaiah 26:8 reads, "Yes, LORD, walking in the way of your laws, we wait for you; your name and renown are the desire of our hearts." We wait for YOU. YOUR name and renown are the desire of our hearts. I realized that there was nothing speical that I did in this group, but God worked something deeper, and really His name was glorified because of it. His renown echos in my heart because of the testimonies I hear.

I leave you with this poem, that someone from that trip wrote. I think it nicely sums up their trip.

The Forgotten

By Brittany J. Masai

The days are lonely and the nights are cold
This life I’m living is getting old

The streets are my only comfort and where I lay
Deliver me from this nightmare is what I pray
People look down on me for how I appear
It hurts to know that I am someone that they fear
I am a person, an individual, and have feelings too
Can’t you see I was once like you?
I had dreams, goals, and lived life to the fullest each day
Until everything went down the drain and I couldn’t find my way
This life has made me realize how cold hearted people can be
Many choose to just walk away and ignore me
They act like I am invisible and that I’m not there
Bless those who take the time to show that they care
I wish people would understand that it’s not all about material things
and money

Having God in your life is most important and going to the place that
overflows with milk and honey
Bless those who are poor on earth
For God loves them and knows how much they are worth

2008-02-03T04:25:00.000-08:00

"Life goes by pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."
- Ferris Bueller (Ferris Bueller's Day Off, 1986)

Wow, it's been over a month since I last posted, and where has the time gone? To be honest, so much has happened, I just got caught up in the whirlwind that is life. It's no excuse as to why I stopped posting, but it's a reason.

Lots has gone on, and I really want to share it all, but am afraid I'm posting really too late to get into detail (But as you know, I do tend to ramble on and on when I'm tired). It's 5 in the morning, and even though it's been almost a month since I slept in my own bed (not the housing site, but at home) I can't sleep.

I just got back from San Fransisco, where we had a CSM Staff Training. It was a real blasty blast, and a real interesting time for me. I met almost all the other full time CSM staff from around North America (there were a few people who couldn't make it, but almost everyone was there). I think it's been an interesting journey for me at CSM, because for the last month, I've been learning the ropes of scheduling, and I think I started to feel like I knew what I was doing. Sometimes, it scared me because I didn't know if I was exactly on the right track in terms of timing and whatnot. But after this week in SF, I realized that there are people around the world who understand my struggle and my job. Just knowing that has helped me feel more confident and secure in what I do.

Also, a real great thing about this last week was I really felt like CSM has become a home for me. I know I've been around the world because of my different jobs, but I don't know if I ever felt like more like I belonged more than this last week. From the second I woke up to the time I went to sleep, I don't think I ever felt like I wasn't included in a discussion, game, or meal. It was totally comfortable. I don't know if that makes sense, but it's true.

Well, more to say but as always, my insomnia is wearing off, and I think I should try to get in a few more hours of sleep before I need to wake up for a long day of church/superbowl party/work.

TTFN

New Beginnings...

2008-01-06T11:48:00.000-08:00

With the coming of the new years, and the different seasons at my organization, I have been thinking a great deal about new beginnings. How some things must go away, and how new things are approaching. I am learning that nothing every really stays the same, and even those things we thought were going to be constant begin to shift.

Somethings I have been looking forward to this season are: the amazing new experiences at CSM, the great things God will teach me, my brother's wedding, and learning the new role as scheduler. Looking back at the last 5 years of my life, I cannot believe all the changes that have taken place, some of those things I felt were really sad, and I thought I would never be able to get over them. But, as I have come to realize, God has bigger plans than I could ever imagine, and sometimes to put me in positions where I was ready to receive His plans, I needed to be put down a notch or two.

As I begin this new years, I don't think I really have many "resolutions." I have, however, reflected on my life and have decided to shift the way I want to think about certain issues and lifestyles. The first and foremost, I want to begin to really be accountable to the way I am spending my money. Moving into a full-time ministry job means much of the money I receive to live on comes from supporters, friends, and family. If I carelessly spend, I am not honoring their wish to support me and my ministry. So, in that, I have become a little more cautious towards where my money goes on a day-to-day basis.

The second thing I have realized is I need to spend much more time talking to God. It's true that God has been a major focus point in my life, but when you are caught up in a lot of "activities" it can become difficult to sit down and just enjoy the time talking and listening to each other. Same with God. I am beginning to realize how important it is to carve out time in my day to read the bible and pray. I know that sounds elementary but, it's true. Especially in my life.

Lastly, I have begun to realize that much of my life direction cannot be planned out, and even though I have great fear and worries about where my life will be in 30 years, I realize that God knows more than I do. He really will take care of me. He always has, He always will.

Ohana means Family...

2007-12-18T18:27:00.000-08:00

Maybe it's the fact that for the past 2 months, I have spent most every day, every hour, and every minute with them, but in the past couple of weeks, I have begun to realize that the other CSM hosts have become a family to me. They have been the people I go to when I need support, when I need to vent, when I need to be joyous. Of course, like all families, we disagree on some things. But, that's fine, because in love we come to understanding. We laugh, we cry, we argue, we smile...

In the Hawaiian term, "Ohana" (many of us remember this from Disney's movie "Lilo & Stitch"), family doesn't just include blood relatives, but also friends and community members that are close enough to be considered family. That is what this group of rag-tag hosts has become to me. Ohana.

Today is a bittersweet day for my family, as both Takia and Dave are going back home for the holidays. I am excited for both of them as they get to spend time with family and friends they have not seen in months. But, it is especially sad for me because when January comes around, Dave will not be joining us. If I were to be honest about my feelings, I would have to admit that not only am I sad, but a little upset that I will not be able to spend time with him this upcoming season. It makes me sad that I won't be able to hear his debriefings, or dialog with him about spiritual matters. It's like having a family member move away.

Last night, we went out to eat as a family, and as Dave put, "It's like having a last supper." But, in reality, it won't be. We have tons of meals to look forward to. Today will NOT be the last day we spend together. Today will only be the beginning.

"Ohana means family, family means nobody gets left behind...or forgotten."

I have never been good with good-byes, because I don't really ever know what to say. But, I will say this:

Dave, I pray that wherever you go from here, that God bless your life. That you will learn the lessons and experience the adventures that only following Christ will bring you. May your life become a shining example of what love (true, unconditional, beautiful Jesus love) really is. May you look back upon this period in your life as your "canoe" trip. And may your words, your actions, and your love reflect upon others so that they may see Christ.

Winter Break

2007-12-15T22:59:00.000-08:00

So, it's been awhile since I last updated. Mostly because it's been a real busy time for me. This last couple of weeks, I've been pretty busy packing up my stuff and moving. Also, I've been busy working on training for becoming an assistant scheduler.

But I have a few thoughts about the holiday season, so I thought I would post them up now.

Christmas is an interesting season for Southern Californians. My roommate from Michigan has been complaining about how cold it should be, but the weather is totally what I have expected. But rain and cold weather has become something that I realize affects the homeless much more than you or me.

If it rains, I get pretty upset because it means I can't go outside. And I know in LA it doesn't happen that often, so it's an inconvenience. Especially if it rains when I'm driving, because it means that traffic will be 3x more, and I will be late. But in comparison when it rains on a homeless person, their cardboard house gets wet, or the tarp they use to keep warm no longer provides heat. It is a sad fact of life that people on the street not only are inconvenienced but in fact have a higher rate of mortality on the streets when it rains.

I don't just talk about this to make people feel bad about what God has given them, but to realize what is happening around them. It is easy to complain about what we lack, but every person who has the opportunity to read this blog live in the top 2% of earners of money in the world. I have begun to realize that life is not about "keeping up with the Joneses." It's about how we need to help those around us. And speaking of how to help others... I think a common mistake about what I do is how effective my ministry is. (not to say it is not effective, I believe what we do really does change lives)

But sometimes it can seem that what we do is not helping in the grand scheme of things. But as I am reminded time and time again, God doesn't ask us for the effectiveness of our ministry but for our faithfulness. My mom (yeah my mom) sent this to me today, and I thought it appropriate to my post:

A man was sleeping at night in his cabin when suddenly his room filled with light, and God appeared. The Lord told the man he had work for him to do, and showed him a large rock in front of his cabin. The Lord explained that the man was to push against the rock with all his might.
So, this the man did, day after day. For many years he toiled from sun up to sun down; his shoulders set squarely against the cold, massive surface of the unmoving rock, pushing with all of his might. Each night the man returned to his cabin sore and worn out, feeling that his whole day had been spent in vain. Since the man was showing discouragement, the Adversary (Satan) decided to enter the picture by placing thoughts into the weary mind, "You have been pushing against that rock for a long time, and it hasn't moved." Thus, giving the man the impression that the task was impossible and that he was a failure.

These thoughts discouraged and disheartened the man. "Why kill myself over this?" he thought. "I'll just put in my time, giving just the minimum effort; and that will be good enough." And that is what he planned to do, until one day he decided to make it a matter of prayer and take his troubled thoughts to the Lord. "Lord," he said, "I have labored long and hard in your service, putting all my strength to do that which you have asked. Yet, after all this time, I have not even budged that rock by half a millimeter. What is wrong? Why am I failing?"

The Lord responded compassionately, "My friend, when I asked you to serve Me and you accepted, I told you that your task was to push against the rock with all of your strength, which you have done. Never once did I mention to you that I expected you to move it. Your task was to push. And now you come to Me with your strength spent, thinking that you have failed. But, is that really so? Look at yourself. Your arms are strong and muscled, your back sinewy and brown, your hands are callused from constant pressure, your legs have become massive and hard. Through opposition you have grown much, and your abilities now surpass that which you used to have. Yet you haven't moved the rock. But your calling was to be obedient and to push and to exercise your faith and trust in My wisdom. This you have done. Now I, my friend, will move the rock."

At times, when we hear a word from God, we tend to use our own intellect to decipher what He wants, when actually what God wants is just a simple obedience and faith in Him. By all means, exercise the faith that moves mountains, but know that it is still God who moves mountains.

Glitz & Glam

2007-12-04T09:18:00.001-08:00

Today was an interesting day. Being my day off, I woke up late, and enjoyed a relaxing morning of making pancakes for breakfast and watching some old episodes of House. My roommate and I started making grand plans to see the sights of LA today, planning to go to the Getty Center & later to Beverly Hills to walk around on Rodeo Drive. Having never gone to Rodeo, I was excited to see how the richest of the rich live. Unfortunately, after a brief check online, we found that the Getty Center was closed on Mondays, so we finished up a few things around the apartment, and we headed out for the glitz & glamour.

After driving the 15 minutes into the heart of Beverly Hills, Dave and I parked and began to walk around. With my trusty camera in hand and my backpack holding my laptop and a collection of books, we began the walk down Rodeo. The first sight, of many sights we saw was a Ferrari parked in front of a store. Bright yellow in color, it screamed, “Look at me!” It really impressed me. Even for a kid that grew up in La Canada, this car was still not entirely commonplace. A few minutes later, we wandered into one of the stores. Of course, it was beautiful. Everything was folded to perfection, the layouts stylish and untouchable. I felt like I was in a museum for clothing. A store salesman came up to us in a perfectly tailored suit and asked us (in a French accent) if we needed anything. We told him we were looking around, and will perfect grace and elegance, he told us to please continue to take our time and if we needed anything to feel free to ask him.

After walking all the way to the north part of Rodeo Drive, we crossed the street and started to walk down to Via Rodeo. That is when we saw Donald Faison. For those of you who don’t recognize that name, shame on you. He plays Turk on the NBC show Scrubs. Standing in the street, I was so surprised to see him that I stood there, mouth hanging open, with camera in hand and watched him walk right past me. I was amazed to see him just walking around on the street, that I forgot where I was.

Later, we walked around Via Rodeo while I kicked myself for not saying, “Hello.” Finally, we ended up at a Starbucks around the corner; where I sat down to write this. Dave is reading one of his books, and I am reflecting on what I have seen this evening. It simply amazes me. Just two days ago, I was driving around skid row and stepping over sleeping homeless men as I was attempting to walk into Midnight Mission to serve breakfast to the poor. Today, these same shoes walk the streets of famous actors and rich consumers. I guess I can’t be overly critical. As I type this message on my 17 inch laptop, and check my email on my iPhone, I am just reminded that Jesus calls us to sell everything we have and give it to the poor. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think there’s anything inherently wrong with wealth and riches, but I cannot even imagine what it would be like if I loaded up a van full of homeless from skid row and had them wander the streets of Rodeo.

Who would feel more uncomfortable? The rich people who are unfamiliar with the state of the poor not more than 15 minutes from here, or the homeless people who clearly are unwanted, undesired, and shunned by society.

Jesus was always found with the poor, but he also was always pleading with the rich to join him. Challenging them to think different about the social structures in place, forcing them to re-evaluate how they lived and what they did with their time. If Jesus was at your house today, what would he say about your possessions? What would he say about how you spend your time? For myself (and for many of us I would imagine), I think he would smile at some of my spending, and he would frown at some of my toys. “Jonathan, I know you bought that laptop as a tool, and you have you have used it for great things including your education, but did you need… that much?” or “What do you need an iPhone for Jonathan?”

One of the last things we say on our prayer tour is simply, “Most of the 100,000 people coming into the city a day never know of how great and how expansive the homeless problems in LA are, because they never see them. It’s not a question of why don’t they do anything, but a simple fact of they don’t know. But now that you know, now that you’ve seen it, what will you do to change it?

Providence...

2007-12-01T11:56:00.001-08:00

Do you believe in providence? I do. Recently, it has been a struggle
trying to figure out what I should do in my life, I am reminded time
and time again the God has a good plan for me. And that plan is better
than I could ever make for myself.

All this past week I have been struggling with the idea that I might
never make as much money as my peers. Deciding to go into ministry is
a decision that will change the way you see your future and financial
outlook. Wrestling with God over my future has been exhausting. I did
not want to let Him take control.

Last night, my roommate, Dave, read a story to me. I don't think he
even knows how much I have been agonizing about how much control I
have needed over this topic. Being a college drop out means I cannot
identify my self worth with a college or university. My greatest
acoplishment in my recent life has been my career's success. My
identity and self worth are tied up directly with how well I have done
financially. Giving up all that for God pretty much means I no longer
feel like I know who I am.

Anyways, so unbeknownst to him, I have been trying to figure out how
to trust in God over my identity. How can I trust God with how I
identify myself if I cannot trust Him with my financial future?

But as he read his book last night he decided to share a particularly
interesting story to me. I don't remember the name of the book he was
reading, nor do I remember the author, but when I do I will add that
into this post.

The author was talking about how he and a friend were trying to get an
internship with Mother Teresa in Calcutta. After writing her inquiring
if they could join her, they waited for a response. After some time,
with no response, they began to think they would not get a response,
so they started to call to see if they could make headway by phone.
After a long and complicated process, they finally got to talk to the
Mother Superior of the Bronx. After explaining to her that they had
written a letter and had been trying to call to see if they could get
in, this nun told them she would give them the number for the mission
in Calcutta if they promised bot to give it away.

Calculating the time difference, they realized they would need to call
at 2am and it would cost them $4/minute. Waiting til 2, they called
with fingers crossed they called. This is what that phone conversation
looked like (I'm paraphrasing from memory here)

"Hello, this is ____ from the United States calling for ___ mission,
I'm looking for Mother Teresa"
"This is ____ mission, this is Mother Teresa."
"My friend and I were hoping to intern with you in Calcutta and help
you there."
"How long were you thinking of coming for?"
"For the summer. So, 2-3 months?"
"2-3 months. That's a long time."
"Or 2-3 weeks... Or 2-3 days even..."
"No. Come for the summer. Come."
"Where will we live? What should we bring?"
"God takes care of the lilies and the sparrow, He will take care of
you. Come"

As my roommate read that last line last night, I had tears coming to
my eyes, because it was so comforting to hear that God really will
take care of us. God takes care of the lilies and the sparrow. He will
take care of me. Come.

Even now, as I sit in Chinatown writing my thoughts, I am tearing up
from the reminder that God will take care of me. Haha, thank God I
have my sunglasses on.

He will take care of you. Come.

Worldwide Poverty

2007-11-28T12:54:00.000-08:00

I was having a discussion with Tiff Chin about the differences between poverty in LA and poverty in China, and thought I would share with you some of my thoughts to the poverty in China:

Poverty in China and Poverty in the States has a lot of differences, but a lot of similarities as well. I don't know if the city you are in has as great of a homeless population as Beijing, but when I stayed out there, I got a chance to really see poverty in one of the "biggest" cities in China... (Not at all saying that you aren't seeing poverty, I'm sure you are. I'm just saying that I've also seen it.)

I think poverty in China is a weird thing to begin with, because China, being a Communist society, should have done away with poverty and homelessness (theoretically). It makes me sad to know that even in a society that is supposed to have done away with social class and class structures, there is still a sense of hopelessness.

As I said, I don't know what poverty looks like where you are, but from what you say of homeless rings of beggars being run by one organization it sounds a lot like what I saw in Beijing.

I remember walking down the street in a "touristy" part of town, when a group of young children (probably 10-14 years old) walked up to me. Most were missing a hand or an arm. One little girl was horribly scarred on her face. It broke my heart to see this group of disabled children. My uncle (who lives in Beijing) quickly told me to ignore them and walk away. I was both stunned and ashamed at his callous attitude. But as we got farther away, he began explaining to me that in China, because they did not have many human rights laws, many parents sold their children to the black market to get out of debt or to get rid of their girls (this is also due to the one child law and the extreme desire to have sons). Once the child was sold to this begging ring, their arms, hands, feet or legs would then get chopped off, or their faces scarred with fire or oil. The thing about it is, they would do this on purpose!! The cold hard fact was that disfigured children tended to get more sympathy from tourists than perfectly healthy children. And sympathy on the streets translated directly to dollars and cents. So, you see, my uncle didn't want me to give money to these children, because if they brought back a lot of money, it would only encourage the "pimps" (as you so aptly put it) to continue this horrendous practice of hurting children for money.

I would find it hard to imagine for something like that to happen on the streets of LA. Not saying similar things don't happen, but to be so blatantly public, it would be hard for me to imagine. Homelessness is heart breaking everywhere. When people are forgotten on the streets; when the lost (not just spiritually, but socially) cannot find their way home; when children, the elderly, and the broken are treated like possessions and not people.

New Blog!!

2007-11-28T00:38:00.000-08:00

Well, it's official, I've left the safe confines of happy xanga-land to start posting my own blog on my own webpage. It's been awhile since I last edited anything on this page and I kind of feel sad about that. I once had great aspirations for what this site would be some day, but it never quite grew up. Now, it seems I might have found a new home for my blog and a new use for my site. All in all, it's a great little marriage. Like all marriages, I think this will have some getting used to, some growing pains, and some mistakes. Anyhow... on with the show.

Today was a rough day for me. I had a little run in with my finances, and decided to meet up with an only high school friend who is now a financial adviser. I wanted to just go over budgets with him and discuss what were good ways to start saving up for retirement, buying a house, starting a college fund... you know, the usual financial milestones of our society. I was surprised as to how much money is considered "safe", and how difficult it would be for me to attain such goals.

I was then confronted with the ultimate question, would I give up everything I have been doing in an attempt to re-cap all that I could financially? Did financial security for myself mean more to me than my willingness to call upon God for help?

I have heard many stories in my day of missionaries who needed financial support and how God provided for them when all else was lost. It is easy to hear these stories and think to yourself, Wow, God really is good!! But, when your life is on the line, and your future is at stake, it is much harder to tell yourself, God will provide. Even though God has blessed my life so much in the past, I believe the daily sacrifice still hurts. And why shouldn't it? I honestly don't think it's supposed to get easier. It's tough following Jesus. And this decision continues to be difficult for me.

What will my final decision be? I will attempt to hold on to God's promise once more, to ask Him to come through for me. I will see what great things He has in store for me with this opportunity. I will step into His plan for my life and see where He leads.

I was talking to my roommates earlier today, and told them of the folly of my youth. I once prayed that God break me, and mold me to make me more like Him. I prayed that He take my life and use it for His purposes. I prayed that He begin to change my heart to break for the things that broke His. I prayed for His will, His plan, and His hand be above all of my own plans, ambitions, and desires. To my astonishment, fear, and excitement, He has answered my prayers. Folly of my youth. I have made promises to God, and He has made promises to me. And because of His love, He holds me to my end of the bargain.

Much more to post, MANY more developments, but as for now, I pray that God continue to lead me down the path for His righteousness and His glory.