Thoughts on the Occupy LA movement

I work in downtown.  I work a block and a half away from city hall, which means the Occupy LA movement is literally down the street.  Being the closest (or what I assume is the closest) free Wi-Fi to this Occupy, we get a LOT of people coming into our store (Starbucks) on a daily basis.

At first, it was kinda fun to see all these new faces.  Then, those faces became familiar... and, to be honest, annoying.  But, that's jumping ahead... Let me back up a bit.

See, I want to agree with everything the OLA stands for.  I want what they want.  I want a discussion to be put on the table, and I want people to start trying to figure out a new way for things to happen in our society.  About a year ago, I lost my job... It took me over 3 months to find a new one, and in that time I was desperately scrounging for money.  I was getting married in 6 months, and freaking out that my wedding, marriage, and eventual future was going down the drain.  Luckily, God blessed me with a loving fiancee (now wife!) and supportive friends & family.  So, when I got the call to become a Starbucks barista (making MUCH less than I was before) I jumped at the chance to get working again.  It's been about 10 months since I started working for the mermaid, and truth be told I wake up each morning thanking God for the blessing this job has been.  (Sometimes I thank God in a very VERY tired voice, but it's still a blessing)

So, here's what my daily schedule looks like... I get up at 3am EVERY day, so I can shower and get ready to go to work at 4am.  In an effort to let my wife sleep, I grab the clothes I laid out the night before to get dressed in the dark (which I'm real good at!).  I say bye to my wife (who I silently hope I don't wake up, so she can sleep a few more hours until she has to get up for work herself), and slip out the door.  There's nobody on the road at 3:30am, which means about 1/4 of the time CalTrans has decided to close the freeway into work to do construction.  I get myself into work at 4am and usually stay for a 5-7 hour shift.  This usually means I take my lunch around 6:30am (lunch!  HA!), but I'm off around 10ish... I head home, but usually stop along the way to run errands for our family (shopping, bank, car repairs... whatnot).  I try to get a small nap in, but that's usually hard to do between schoolwork, applying for more jobs, and various other chores.  Around 5pm, I start making dinner, and about 5:30-6pm Alyssa comes home and we eat dinner together.  I can sometimes stay up a few more hours to watch some TV with her (or just catch up on our days), and then I have to pass back out to re-set for the next day.

So, when I hear about a movement that wants to equalize wages or create more jobs or take down banks that are sucking up all the money... I want to agree so bad.  But, in reality, I was beginning to get bitter with this movement.

Throughout history, people have used movements like this to be an excuse for rebellion.  Most of the time, these people are ignorant to the root causes and ignorant to the true intention of why they should be there.  I am not speaking of those people who are really trying to help, really trying to make change, and really trying to talk to the government, corporations, and power players.  I am talking about the drugged out slackers that don't want to be a productive part of ANY society.  And I might sound harsh here, but it's the truth... that's what they are.

For the past 2 weeks, these dregs have been coming into our store and stealing everything from coffee to mugs, from condiments to umbrellas.  And it makes me mad.  I want to blame the Occupy movement because they are the reason they are here, but that's not fair.  And every day, it gets harder to be civil with these people.  The other day, one person (while waiting in line) was talking to his friend about how corporations like Starbucks sucks the soul out of its employees.  He said, "...just look at their eyes, you can see that everyone that works here is dead inside."  Umm, hey buddy... Starbucks provided me a job when nobody else would.  Starbucks is now one of the leading corporations seeking to CREATE jobs in the USA.  And... if I look dead inside, it's probably because I've been up since 3am working REAL hard to get a paycheck that puts food on the table and a roof over my head.  But I digress...

These people are negative, they are mean, and they are not helping society at all.  But is this what Occupy LA stands for?  Is that the kind of experience they want to leave people with?  No.

Today, for the first time since the beginning of the movement, I had a genuine positive experience with an Occupy LA person.  He came up to me and asked if I was the manager.  I said no, but I would be willing to pass on a message.  He then explained to me how he was part of the Occupy LA movement, and he felt horrible for the things people have been stealing from us.  He wanted to apologize for the image others have left, and told us that if someone stole from us, he would be willing to testify against them to make sure they could keep the occupy movement honest.  And in that one gesture, I was back on their side.

Alyssa has been telling me for a few days now that negativity will only cause us to become bitter and resentful.  Either we have to forgive and walk away, or confront the situation and push through.  I have told her the last few weeks that it has been difficult, because it feels like I don't know how to do that.  Today, I was offered a way to forgive.  And today, I can do just that.

life...

Life is such a delicate thing, with a blink of the eye it disappears, it changes, it begins, it...

Since my last post (in April), a lot has happened...  My good friend & mentor passed away; relationships have been severed; and just tonight, I found out my uncle has an aneurysm that needs to be treated right away.  A lot of good has happened as well.  I got married!; My cousin got married!!! (in Maui!!!); My good friends got married!!! and so much more...

And yet, I continue to think that this roller coaster that we call life is so fragile.  On one hand, we find ourselves celebrating, having a great time, and the next day we find ourselves saddened by news that literally blindsides us.

I find myself asking the age old question that so many before me have asked... "what's it all mean?"  Is it for us to glorify God?  Is it for happiness?  To be stable and raise a happy family?

And yet, what keeps me up at night are a laundry list of other questions, "Am I doing the right thing for my family?", "Could I be a better husband/man?", "Is there a reason I find myself working at Starbucks, and not something... more?", and... "Why is it all so ... mediocre?"

Is God in my life?  Yes!  Do I find joy in what I do?  Yes!  Am I happy with my work, my family, my wife?  YES!

And those are the answers that I ultimately have to hold on to...  I don't have ALL the answers... and life... will always be the fragile roller coaster, it will have its ups... its downs... and its crashes...  But I honestly believe that God is still the one who holds it together...  God gives us peace and joy and contentment...  and God (as silly as this Sunday school statement sounds) is the answer.

There's a lot more to say here... about how death still scares me, about how I worry about the small decisions affecting my future family, about how I am still insecure, and about how sometimes (SOMETIMES) I don't feel adequate...

BUT... I have to remember that in my weakness, Christ is strong.  In the desert places, I will find strength.  AND, when I am most confused... I will seek the Lord.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. ¹⁰ That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 
   - 2 Corinthians 9-10

Reflections on life...

It's been awhile since I have updated my blog, and with good reason.  Life, as I had known it, has drastically changed.  And for the most part, I have yet to make sense of the paths that have been presented to me.  I have been faced with some difficult times, some amazing times, and now, I try to add up the sum of my experiences and find myself pondering what the next step is.

For those of you who know me, I think you will all agree that I attempt to look at the positives of my life.  And for the most part, that has served me well.  And when I look at those things, I have a great deal to talk about.  My engagement last year was (and will probably continue to be) one of the greatest memories of my life.  My deepening relationship with my fiancee has continued to encourage me and make me smile.  Friends, family, and loved ones have come along side with me, and I have known that people love me, not for what I do... but simply for who I am.

But, at the beginning of November last year, a sudden turn in my job had me questioning simple things: like where my place in the world, what was my life direction, and my worth as a person.  I will not go into it too deeply, but suffice to say that I felt wronged and my position at CSM was terminated.  I immediately began the painful process of looking for new employment.

For the last three years, I had bled, sweated, and lived CSM.  My friends knew that I would not be available most nights because I would be busy with a group or training hosts.  My fiancee would often find herself telling me that my interns would see more of me than she did.  And without notice or warning, that was taken away from me.

What do you do when (seemingly) your self worth is taken that quickly?

Well, for me it began the process of applying for jobs with everyone (and anyone).  I went in for multiple interviews only to be told that I was overqualified, under-qualified, too much experience, too little experience... 

Eventually at the beginning of this year, I was offered a job.  At Starbucks.  Not my first choice, but there it was.  I took the job.  Working as a Barista at a store in Little Tokyo.

If it sounds like I was disappointed, I guess I was.  I was hoping to get this amazing job supervising a group of people, fighting to end homelessness.  I was hoping that my new job would pay me all this money, so I didn't have to worry about bills anymore.  I was hoping to talk to people who were homeless and build community and relationship with them.  And here I was, learning to make coffee.

But then, something happened, and I realized some things.  And I began to learn about authenticity.  I talk to people every day now.  Some of those people know me by name, and smile at me when they see me at the bar (or at the register... or even wandering around the store).  I know most of their names, and their drinks.  I laugh with them about the news, joke with them about coffee, but most of all I find myself learning about their lives.  I know that Keith went to the Dodger game last Saturday, and (even though it was out of his way) he still came into our store to get his Americano.  I know that Rick just sold his sleeping bag for a heavy blanket, because it fits in his new $20 Walmart backpack better.  I know that Linda has to commute to work from Carson every day, but on most days stops by our store for lunch, and a different Starbucks on her way home.

And I realized that I AM impacting my community.  I have a real relationship with my customers.  And I am happy.  I'm learning what it means to love on people... one cup of coffee at a time.

There are things in our lives that we all want... and there are things that we need.  And I am learning more and more each day that maybe this job, where I am today is what I needed.  I am learning to spend more time reading, learning to cook new dishes, learning to enjoy myself.

My job... it's exhausting, it's exhilarating, it's rewarding but, it's still only my job.  My life... is so much more.  And I am learning what that means.

NY Stabbing...

If you haven't read about it, you might read this first...

A man in NY died this morning after he was stabbed while he was trying to help a woman from some kind of physical attack, and while he lay bleeding in the streets, at least 7 people walked by and didn't do anything to help.

Many people have commented on this story saying, "How cruel" or "What is this world coming to?" And I would have to agree, but then I need to pose the question, how often do we ourselves do the very same thing?

How often do we allow ignorance or our own goals blind us from the world around us? How often do we ignore those who are bleeding, who are hurt, or who need help?

I drive by skid row most every day. I'm not saying that I'm better than most who grew up in the suburbs. I still feel that twinge of fear & guilt as I talk to people who are homeless. But there is a reality on the streets many of us choose to ignore.

I say "us", because even working in an urban context, sometime I become tired and don't want to deal with all the drama. Which is why I use this story as a call out to Christians everywhere. As a believer, I beg of you to open your eyes to what is around you and change what you can. Today!

I'm not saying that you need to quit your job and live on the streets. I'm not even saying that you need to rearrange your life. But begin to ask yourself, who in your life hurts, bleeds, needs? Maybe it is that homeless man on the street corner near your work. Maybe it's a co-worker who needs a hand. Maybe it's the kid at school who eats by him/herself.

But there are people around us bleeding to death, and we walk right by them. We tell ourselves that someone else will stop, someone else will make sure they are ok, someone else...

How about us? How about Christians? How about God fearing, Jesus loving, Holy Spirit filled Christians? Let's get out of the news for hate crimes... let's stop being known for being hypocrites. And start showing the world that we love them.

Ugh, I'm so sick for all the hate... I know this sounds like hippie propaganda, but it's true. Arizona passing laws about illegal immigrants... People protesting in the streets because of health care for the poor... I'm just putting it out there folks...

36"Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?" 37Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' 38This is the first and greatest commandment. 39And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'40All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."

- Matthew 22:36-40

Love your neighbor as yourself.

How many of us would RUN if we saw our parents, our brothers, our sisters in pain on the streets bleeding... our friends? even our enemies?

It's simply put... that ALL the law and the prophets hang on two commandments. The first is to love God with everything we have... Then to love each other.

Who is bleeding on the streets? Who do we need to love?

random thoughts of the day...

Sometimes it's hard to imagine. Sometimes it's a difficult thing to grasp. And, when I look into the eyes of those around me, it's hard to forget. There are those around us that desperately need a hand, desperately need a hug, and desperately need love.

As I come back from the CCDA conference, I am once again convinced that the lost and forgotten in society are in need for our love. There are injustices and inequalities that scream for attention. Families are being torn apart by outdated immigration laws; the poor are being pushed out of their homes, so that CEOs of companies can have a second private jet; racism continues to ravage communities; and the people in the gap are doing their best to hold up a crumbling society.

But, what breaks my heart is watching it happen and feeling like nobody else cares. At CSM, I watch groups come in from the suburbs, with their guitars, handbooks, and team t-shirts. They are ready to change the world. They are coming for a week trip, that they have been looking forward to for months. And, GREAT! But is it? After they leave, aren't the children going to be hungry tomorrow? What is the impact to the community as a large?

Can community change happen in a short-term system? Can it even begin to change the hearts of the lost and point the wanderer towards the almighty Lord? Are people going home with changed attitudes towards the outcast of society? the lonely? the excess spending? the lavish lifestyles?

For the most part, I would say, "No." There was one group leader that openly told his kids that God did not bless the poor as much as the rich because He gave the rich more. And that simple statement continues to break my heart.

So, then, what is the point of something like CSM? Is what I do important to the heart of God? Is a short-term mission trip only designed for helping the group feel better about their lives? To pat themselves on the back and go back to lavish lifestyles?

And the simple answer to that question is: there is no simple answer. Can we really say that nobody is affected? There must be some that are changed. Most come on the trip, and in a few weeks time forget the lessons learned, some remember and act out to help those around them, and a select few are changed forever. God takes their hearts and breaks them. And in my case, forever am I set on a course that will never allow me to see the world any other way. Broken, and in need of love.

And if that's what we do, then we do it for the glory of the Lord. I have it written on my wall in my office, "讨神喜悦的事奉" (which roughly means, "I serve at the pleasure of my Lord") It reminds me that even though some group leaders make a blunder of the mission of my Father, I will continue to serve as long as it pleases my God.

It still breaks my heart. It still makes me want to call out to God for his mercy. But, it's something.

and... with enough little somethings put together, we can re-build the kingdom. We can restore the streets with dwellings.

and the wheel turns

we laugh and smile

and the wheel turns

we cry and scream

and the wheel turns

we make friends, find companions

and the wheel continues to turn

and

something

happens

something

bad

and we cry for time

we ask it to stop

to take notice of our friend

her life, so short, so soon

can we just stop for a moment?

stop the wheel?  pause?

but the wheel turns

time slips by so carelessly

our hearts grieve

the wheel turns

and as it turns

time pushes on

ever moving

time

goes 

on

and, so must we

Spending time with some Monks

So, last Tuesday, I grabbed a duffle bag full of clothes, my bible, my journal, and a book about prayer and headed into the mountains.

I had been planning on spending some time up in the high desert for about a month.  I drove about an hour and a half out of the city to St Andrew's Abby.  I arrived shortly before 11am, worried about what I would do once I arrived.

I walked into the guest office, and told the monk behind the desk that I was here for my personal retreat.  He was exactly what I was expecting, and it threw me off for a second.  Wearing the monk robe was one thing, but he had a long white beard and thick glasses.  It was like right out of a olde book.  

I went to my room and found it adorable.  It had a large desk, two twin beds, and a sliding glass door on one side that opened to a view of the mountains.  I started to unpack and turned off my cell phones.

The first day I was there, I didn't try to do anything special other than walk around and explore the grounds.  I found a lake on site with lots of places to sit around it.  It was a warm day, so I spent a good amount of time in my room writing reflections and prayers in my journal at my desk.  When my hand hurt too much from writing, I would read some of "Too Busy Not to Pray" or my bible.  The quiet atmosphere allowed much of my soul to quiet down and relax a bit.  I also found that I needed to take a lot of naps.  For every hour of writing, exploring, or reading, I took about a 30 minute nap.  This might sound funny, but I think it was partially my body needing the rest and partially because praying that much takes a lot of energy.

The second day, I spent much of my time doing the same thing, but I also started going to their prayer services (they had 5 throughout the day), and never been exposed to the Catholic faith, I had never attended a service quite like that.  I was unused to the litergical way of approaching God, but I was facinated by some of the honor the monks had for God's presence.  I know many people say that it can become just "things we do" and we stop believing in the actions, but I was challenged to look at my own actions and ask myself why I didn't take God more seriously in how I approached Him.  And I began to try see my prayer times as much more a thing I needed to do intentionally instead of haphazardly.

At one point, I remember telling God that I really needed to talk to Him about some of issues in my life regarding relationships (or lack of).  I found myself pouring out much of what I had been feeling to Him and asking Him to just give me a clear answer as to what my future held in terms of a relationship.  It is difficult to form into words, but I know that God heard me as I talked to Him.  But, the greatest thing wasn't the topic, but realizing that I had the space to complain to God.  God was giving me space to yell, scream, and throw up my hands in frustration.  In the end, as I calmed down, I realized that through it all, God was with me.  He had been holding onto me the whole time, and was whispering "It's ok"

Did I get a clear answer?  To be honest, no.  But, I came out of there knowing a few things about how I approached my life.  First, I need to lean on God's plan more often (both in what is going to happen, but also in when is it supposed to happen).  Second, that as I get frustrated, God will give me space to tell Him how I feel.  Much like any good relationship, there are times when you need to hash out some issues, and God will give the space.  And lastly, God will give peace to those who come to Him.  I don't think I have stopped feeling the pain of rejection, but I also know that it is temporary and God will continue to be there through and through.  Peace isn't the lack of pain or conflict in our hearts, but it is the understanding that God stands faithful through it, and we can hold onto Him.

It took me a full 2 days to come to that conclusion, and probably will take the rest of my life to understand it fully.  

As I drove down from the mountain, I could not have felt more refreshed and renewed.  I had gone to the mountain fearing what it would mean to spend 48 hours in the presence of the Lord, and I came down realizing that I was looking at it wrong.  We are always with God, everywhere and anywhere.  We just took a vacation together to spend some time getting to know one another.  I learned what it meant to talk to God, honestly and reverently.  And more importantly, I learned how to sit and listen to Him talking to me.